To Be Continued...

Since I barely keep up with one blog, I think it would be unreasonable to try to manage two- please visit Juan Carlos and I at www.jandjcgarcia.blogspot.com. The journey continues... Thanks!

What you love

We have been talking about a variety of topics this year so far in my Just Faith class through Saint Michael's Parish, learning about how to respond as practicing Christians and Catholics to church teaching on issues like: poverty, racism and now consumerism. It's interesting to reflect on consumerism around the Christmas season and it is definitely a place I see for improvement in my own life. The following was the opening prayer on Monday. It really touched me:

Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute way.

What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything.

It will decide what gets you out of bed in the morning,
what you do with your evening, how you spend your weekends,
what you read, who you know,
what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with
joy and gratitude.

Fall in love,
Stay in love,
and it will decide everything.

-Pedro Arrupe

Wedding Pictures

Here is a link to the website with our rehearsal, engagement and wedding pictures on it: http://www.weddingprints.com/EventListing.aspx?P=1081 Enjoy!

Overdue Update

Well, I was hoping my next post would include wedding pictures, but alas, it is taking almost as long as me getting out thank you cards. The wedding was great- it was amazing to feel supported by so many people that we love and although there was a little culture clash at the reception (with the large, loud Mexican band and my quiet, contained or just very social american family not being accostomed to that) I think most were ultimately able to enjoy themselves. They did shut us down an hour early which was disappointing, but just as well, since it gave Juan Carlos and I a little extra time to enjoy our honeymoon suite ; ) We have been very happily married since. The first week or two were actually the most difficult for us in adjusting- since then, it has been much smoother. Getting used to living with someone new is always different- then the cultural piece just adds another layer of challenge and of "wonderfulness." I have been really impressed by Juan Carlos's patience and support and I feel like I know him 15 times better in this one month of living together than I did in 3 years of dating.

I have been working at Pierce college all quarter on international student admissions and activities, but I was recently offered a great opportunity to work 5 minutes from home at Saint Martin's University as their ESL Programs Manager, which I'm really excited about. The other staff members seem motivated, energetic and inspiring and I am excited to be around so much youthful energy and inspiration. Plus, I have missed teaching and this position will give me experience in program management, which I've been wanting, one on one student advising, which I also really want, and the opportunity to teach two classes each semester, which I'm really looking forward to. Plus, I'm still working in international education and it should work for my reflective practice phase so I can finish my capstone by July. I'm absolutely thrilled and i feel so blessed that God has given me this opportunity.

Juan Carlos is set on going to Mexico in December of 2008, so we are trying to save for that. He is looking for a job where he can make more money or looking to take on another job in the evenings. Please keep him and us in your prayers and we try to decide what the best move would be for him right now.

I am also involved in a group at church called JustFaith. We have been meeting every Monday since September and I've really been enjoying it. Today we went to CIELO, where I used to work to talk about the programs there and the immigrant community in the area. It is always interesting to hear the perspectives different people have on racism and whether it exists and why. To me, I believe so many people think racism is simply a matter of hating someone based on how they look. I would say it is hating what you think you know about someone based on how they look. Racism is just one kind of stereotyping that can lead to sickness in the world. Many people would agree that deep hate is based out of a deep fear. People fear others because of a perceived threat- crime, using tax money, exploiting the system, terrorism, wanting to take over, taking jobs from Americans, etc. It's justified in their heads, which is exactly what allows it to continue. I perceive my calling in addressing this issue to be education. I really believe in people- I believe we are inherently good and when there are bad policies or positions that are not in favor of humanity as a whole, I question the basis of those positions and I try to take a moment to educate. I believe that all people, with the appropriate information can make rational, fair and just decisions. I see how much it hurts my own husband to be treated differently simply because of where he's from, where he works, and who he is, even by members of my own family. Under Catholic social teaching, we are called to love all people, regardless of where they come from, what language they speak or what skills they have. Juan Carlos has brought more to my life than anyone else I have ever known and I have known plenty of educated, schooled people from all around the world. Educational background and job status may bring home a bigger salary but they don't make someone understanding, sympathetic, thoughtful, and intelligent about matters of survival. Sometimes I look at Juan Carlos and just think how incredibly smart he has to be to have been so successful in a country that is not his own, with a language that is not his own, when he came here at only 17 years old. He learned the public transportation system on his own, he learned to drive on his own, buy a car on his own, pay bills on his own, he washed his own clothes, made his own food, he learned all of the jobs he took with no previous experience. That's the man I married and that's the man I love. I wish everyone could see what I see but I understand that in this imperfect world, that won't be possible. Regardless, I stand by my decision and I thank God every day for sending me such an incredible partner in life.

Please keep us in your prayers as we need them desperately. I hope you are all well and I will try to write more frequently- meanwhile, look for Christmas cards...Happy Holidays!

Reflections in the midst of chaos

With less than two weeks to go before Juan Carlos and I commit our lives to each other, I have had enough emotional breakdowns lately to call me into a little bit of reflection tonight. Sometimes I think about when we thought of getting married in a small chapel with only our immediate families there and how much easier that would have been. I am feeling the burden of abundance in some ways with this wedding. It's so easy in planning an event this large to get caught up in how things are going to look and who is going to think what- how to please all people and cater to all cultures, how to keep it organized and loose, planned and spontaneous, how to make all the little pieces fit just so. With the best of intentions, I tell myself, I just want it all to work out. I just want everyone to be happy. But I remember in moments like these that happiness is not a seamless performance when everything goes just right. Happiness is when you realize how much people care about you because they step in when something starts to fall apart. It's the last minute trip to the store because you didn't get enough ice. It's your sisters convincing you that you're beautiful even when your hair looks like crap. It's a hug at the end of a hard day full of unmet expectations reminding you everything is going to be ok- that life goes on and so does love and, in the end, that's more important than the food and the punch and the decorations. In the end, that's really what happiness is all about.

It's so easy to forget but so important to remember that what makes me feel most fulfilled and joyful about the planning of this whole wedding is not the gorgeous dress or the great food or the personal touches here and there, but how loved I feel seeing all the effort loved ones have put in to make this happen. The real perfection lies not in having something "just so" but rather in the fact that I am so fortunate to be cared for enough to have any of it at all. In these final days of planning and preparation, I will try to focus more than anything on my gratitude for all the love in my life. After all, that's really what this sacrament is meant to help me and everyone else realize is that a committment to love through the unexpected, through the difficult is unsurpassable, for this kind of decision moves from that which is human to the divine.

Little by little

So, I just finished with my first week at my new job. It was a little overwhelming, but I have already learned a lot and I'm excited about that. Monday, I start a new program with church called JustFaith. It requires a lot of reading and a pretty big committment. We are going to be learning and talking about Catholic Social Teaching. From the readings so far, I think it will be challenging for me and help me grow a lot spiritually. I really want to make it a priority and keep up with it this coming year. In two weeks classes start again at CIELO and I am supposed to be writing lesson plans for that too until they can find a replacement. I really don't know how long I'll be able to handle it though. It will be about 15 hours on top of my already 40 hour a week job...we'll see. Otherwise, I'm trying to pull wedding plans together the best I can. Little by little we are getting invitations addressed and mailed out, decorations purchased and last minute services booked. It's going to be a pretty full day and night, so we'll have to be extra organized, but I'm really excited! I can't believe it's all finally coming together. My challenges right now are just letting things go when they don't go as planned, laughing off mistakes and unexpected issues and just trying to have a good time with all this. Everyone tells me it's such a memorable time in life, you just really have to appreciate each moment, so that's what I'm trying to do. Little by little. That has been the theme of my life lately. Once, when I was first going to study abroad, I started crying because I was so overwhelmed that I would be away for so long and my sister looked and me and said, little by little, Janelle. In this moment, you're not going away for 4 months. You're just getting your bags checked. Then, you just have to get on the plane, then you just have to get off. Her advice helped me to appreciate the whole experience so much more. I couldn't think of it all at once. I just had to take in and act in the present moment, as it came. Now, too, moment by moment, task by task, piece by piece life is changing, falling apart, coming together differently. I have today, right now-and that's all I really have to decide about, affect, and change. Little by little I'm learning to let go of what I most want to hold onto. I'm constantly reminded of what is really important- not colors and centerpieces but compassion and compromise.

So Blessed!

Well, this week has brought with it some more changes for Juan Carlos and me. I was offered a new job at Pierce College working as the International Program Coordinator, which will be great because it fits in perfectly with my degree, so I can use it for my practicum and finish my degree by May or July. Plus I get to do student advising, as well as learn about international student admissions and plan activities, so it should be a lot of fun. I just found out today I get my own big office too, with a window and a rocking chair, which is just really exciting all in itself!! I'm so happy. Plus, as if that weren't enough, Juan Carlos and I finally found a home we want to rent for the next year. It's beautiful, in a great location and it's cozy, yet spacious enough to entertain every once in awhile, which was important to us. I think we'll learn a lot about what's involved in having a home over the next year too, so we can be more educated when we are finally able to purchase one. I just feel overjoyed and so so blessed! At the beginning of this week, I was starting to get so stressed out about the job situation and where we were going to live. Juan Carlos and I prayed about it and the next day, everything started to magically fall into place. I wasn't expecting that at all. It's as if God just wanted to remind me that everything really will work out if we just trust him. What an exciting and amazing time in life- I just want to soak in every moment of it.

ENGAGED!

It finally happened. Juan Carlos took me for a long walk to a non-existent river on a very hot summer afternoon two days ago, promising a refreshing swim. After about an hour and a half of walking in our flip-flops carrying towels, he realized the last time he arrived at the river by this path was when he and some friends rode their bikes (which, needless to say would take them much farther in much less time) Ultimately, we decided to head back to the car and drive to the river, but we had a great talk along the way. We found a secret area by the river where we could be alone to go swimming. After we had both braved the freezing cold water for a few minutes, Juan Carlos got a surprised/concerned look on his face and looked behind him. There was what appeared to be a piece of plastic floating in the water behind him. I asked him if it was his because it wasn't mine and he was like, "oh yeah.." and put it back in his pocket. I thought it was strange but I was glad he didn't want to litter...

Then, he started saying a lot of really nice things and just telling me he loved me again and again, but it seemed like he wanted to say something else. After a little while longer, I started to get cold and suggested we go. He said, "Sure, but first I just want to say I love you with all my heart and will you marry me?" (and he pulled out the soggy cardboard wrapped box with the ring inside!! ) He tore apart the soggy cardboard and pried open the box, trying to be sure the ring didn't fall into the water. The ring was gorgeous and perfect and I said, "Yes, a thousand times yes! (in Spanish)" and we hugged and kissed. Then I asked him, "Was that what went floating down the river?" He said, "Yeah, I went to take it out of my pocket and it wasn't there. All I could think was now, where am I going to find it? I was so lucky it was just floating behind me." And we both got a good laugh out of it- a classic romantic comedy.

Now, I could not be happier. Juan Carlos has shown me throughout our time together, and especially recently that he really does take into consideration what's important to me, that he's willing to compromise, that he truly loves me and that I can trust him to take care of me. I feel so fortunate to be promised to such an incredible man. He is so handsome and smart- so responsible and generous- so patient and grounded. He respects me, my opinion and my desires, he supports me in all my various pursuits and passions, and he prioritizes my well-being and the health of our relationship.

I believe that more than anything, getting married is a committment and a choice to spend the rest of your life with someone, through the difficult times and through the joys, through whatever twists and turns life throws at you. You're choosing a partner- the person you want to wake up to every day, the person you want to serve, the one you want to raise children with and laugh with and cry with and face life with. Juan Carlos is so strong- he is a pillar for me in my life. He has been through so much in his own life that he understands human resilience. He knows what we can make it through. Where others might break down or give up, he fights. He understands the importance of relationships and of generosity and he constantly pushes me to live out my faith more sincerely by giving more freely. He values time with family and he looks so forward to being father himself. He loves children- he is playful and funny and I know we will always have plenty of laughter in our home!

I feel a little sad that most of my family still can't know him very well because of language barriers, but God-willing, we have a whole lifetime together for Juan Carlos and my family to get to know each other too. I am happy and hopeful about the future and I hope that those I love can try to see what I see in him and be happy for me too!

High Expectations

All my life, I seem to have struggled with expectations and disappointment. I have psyched myself out of thinking I got a part in a play or got a job I wanted, with the logic that if I believe I won't get it and I do, I will be happy but if I believe I will and I don't, I will only be disappointed. My sister once told me that optimists live longer and I responded, "maybe, but they are more disappointed when they die."

This has generally been my outlook on things and yet, in spite of all my conscious efforts to try to not have any expectations of other people and the world, I can't seem to let go of it. I see myself as being cynical, when my classmates would peg me for an idealist. Sometimes it would seem as if I set myself up for failure or for disappointment- after all, who could meet all those high expectations I seem to have of myself and others in my life?

Some people have told me I expect too much of people and that is why I am so consistently disappointed. But today, I've decided that the high expectations I hold could also be seen as having a particular faith in people and in what they're capable of. I have been thinking a lot about this cross-culturally with gender roles. I see many women in Juan Carlos's family putting up with what I consider to be unacceptable behavior from their male counterparts (coming home extremely late drunk, or not even bothering to come home all weekend, spending huge portions of their income and time drinking with friends without ever inviting their wives out, expecting the woman to work AND take care of cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. by herself, looking down on a woman going out anywhere if she has a child) And I just wonder what these women must think. So often, they put down other women who try to exert their independence by saying they're sluts or don't know how to behave with their husband, even at times justifying physical abuse. So, to accept this kind of lifestyle, what kinds of expectations must they have grown up with?

Sometimes, I've honestly wished that to not create waves, that to make things easier, I could bring myself to re-shape my expectations, to only hope for a husband who can support us financially and who doesn't hurt me, like so many women in the world. But I can't shake these high expectations that tell me I want so much more than that. I want to be someone's priority, not someone's caretaker. I want to be a partner, not a servant. I want mutual love and humor and affection and humility and service and joy to reign in my home. I think it is a mistake to believe that boys will be boys who grow into men that cheat and act selfishly. It is a mistake to believe that men and women of any background are not capable of rising to the occassion and putting in their part and even finding joy in it. The roles don't have to be exactly the same, but they should be equal- there is no excuse for taking advantage of someone else's love and service.

Maybe for some, I do have high expectations - being able to go out with my girlfriends for a drink, expecting my husband to put in his full 100% effort to contribute to our marriage and help in the house and work full time and have a good attitude about it ; ), of myself working in a job I love and of being a wife and a mother. I dream of and expect stability and security, adventure and the unknown. There are birds that are seemingly content to be caged in, but there are others who need to fly- my expectation is the latter. For myself and for my future spouse, I have high expectations, and regardless of whether they will occassionally lead to disappointment, I recognize that I and anyone I choose to be with are certainly capable of living a life to meet those expectations. I'll take the risk of disappointment over the certainty of unfulfillment, were I to lower them in any way.

Immigration

Immigration Raid in Shelton Apartments and nearby mobile home park at six in the morning last Thursday. Coincidentally, (??) the raid followed a visit by the Washington State Human Rights Commission where a Latino man spoke of the abuse of the manager at some local apartments (getting drunk, entering tenants homes, throwing their things around the house and actually beating tenants up) Most of the tenants worked in harvesting salal (sometimes better known as brush) and the harvesting season came to an end a couple of weeks ago. Although ICE officials claim there was no connection, it's hard to be sure. At least 17 people were taken from their families and detained.

Today I read an editorial saying that the answer to our immigration problems is to make immigrants serve in the military for 4 years and learn English before allowing them to have legal status. According to the writer, "This would be only for those who cannot legally immigrate here." I cannot even begin to express how much this argument and this mentality disappoints me. Making people desperate for an opportunity at a better life in this country risk their lives and die in the unjust wars this country fights? That sounds like another chance for sheer exploitation in the name of "national interests."

I was telling my mom last night, "I just wish people could realize how important immigrants are to this country." She said, "Or at least how human- that would be a start." Exactly. I fall into all the ridiculous arguments for justifying immigration in this country as much as our politicians do or anyone else. Once again we are trying to validate and rank the value of human life. "Since immigrants take jobs no one else wants, they should be able to come here. Since immigrants work longer hours for less pay, they should be able to come here. Since immigrants contribute to the economy, they should be able to come here." Nevermind that immigrants are PEOPLE and based on only that fact and our faith that God will provide through our choice to SHARE the abundance we were FORTUNATE enough to be born into in this country, immigrants should be allowed to come here. People do not deserve opportunities or LIFE more just because they are more productive. This is the faulty logic of our world and our society. What did we do to be born in the United States? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!! Maybe our parents immigrated here or our grandparents and maybe they suffered terribly because of their "newcomer" status or maybe they didn't. Maybe our families have had the fortune to be here nearly since the country was founded. Ok, but to say that our wealth in this country has been created independently of everyone else in the world and therefore we are entitled to it and anyone born outside our borders has to "earn" access or even to say that we as individuals living in 2007 did much of anything to have the opportunities that are available to those residing legally in this country is completely unfounded. Immigrants did nothing more or less to be born into a corrupt, poverty ridden situation than I did to be born into a hardworking and ultimately well-off middle class family in the United States. It just happened. Now, it's about what I do with it. I can feel threatened that immigrants will come and take my job or pull down wages or use all my taxes on their medical bills or I can look and say, "How blessed I am to have these opportunities- what can I do to share those with other people? How can I help others to get as much education as I've had so they can contribute to the field that I've studied or others have studied? How can I share what I've learned and learn from them so all our lives can be enhanced?" When will we start to see people as assets rather than threats to our own security and well-being?

Yes, there are people who make bad choices- always have been and always will be and regardless of immigration laws, they will reside in our country and in countries all around the world ALWAYS. They need to see love more than anyone. As for the majority, we all want to make what we can of our lives. We want to provide for our families, feel proud of our work, spend time with loved ones. I'm sick of political games and compromises that take out the heart of the human experience. Who cares if it is amnesty? What does one immigrant's opportunity take away from YOU? You have had opportunities and you continue to have opportunities. Their only "crime" is seeking a better life. Now, if they rob or hurt someone once they are inside the country, they should go through the court system and serve their sentence just like everyone else. But risking your life just for an OPPORTUNITY- a CHANCE at a better life- how is that a crime? How is that something that deserves a sentence? That is just human- it is what any of us would do if our families were hungry and we were barely making it day to day. Having to leave your family and country and all that you love that is familiar to you seems like plenty serious a sentence to me either way, regardless of whether we see it as a crime or not.

I know I can never convince our politicians on this- I will never be able to help them see the importance of valuing all human life, regardless of where people are born, what they look like or what language they speak. I probably can't even convince most Americans. But this really is the heart of the issue. It's about people. It's about Juan Carlos and me being able to safely visit his family in Nayarit and safely return because we are two people who love each other and who want the opportunity to live in the United States (near my family and his brothers) and yet maintain the connection to his homeland. How does us having that ability, which would make a world of difference for us, really threaten anyone else?

It doesn't. Yet, people are so obsessed with laws and rules and our system of punishment to see that sometimes the rules don't make sense and sometimes the system is flawed. They forget the days when there were laws that people with black colored skin could not enter a restroom labeled "white only." They forget the days when detainment, persecution and mass murdering of Jews in the Holocaust was essentially the "rule." How many times do we have to go blind and stop seeing PEOPLE as PEOPLE for us to finally understand there are rules above the law. There are things more important than the SYSTEM and places more desirable to be than the UNITED STATES.

You see, God created the world, not countries. God created people in all their wonderful diversity, but he didn't create a color library to distinguish them from one another. God said LOVE ONE ANOTHER, not "make sure you have national security and maintain your economic advantage at all times." LOVE DOES NOT ENVY (they will take our jobs) IT IS NOT POMPOUS (they have to learn English because that is our language), IT DOES NOT SEEK ITS OWN INTERESTS ( we need national security for our country, they will spend my tax dollars) Love never fails. If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing; if tongues, they will cease; if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing. For we know partially and we prophesy partially but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away... So faith, hope and love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love. 1 Cor 13: 4-10

I await the day when LOVE really IS the law we all abide by- when we care more about what is RIGHT than what is LEGAL, when we understand all human life as deserving of food, water, shelter, clothing, love, health care, due process, freedom, a voice and economic opportunity.

There was another community meeting on legal rights in Shelton. Three out of an expected 75 people showed up. Everyone is scared. Not just the immigrants, but those that called ICE in, those that call our representatives with hateful messages about immigrants every day, those that "hunt" immigrants in the Arizona deserts. My question is "what are we scared of?"

I don't believe that hate is the opposite of love- I believe that FEAR is the opposite of love and it is really fear that breeds hate. It is fear that stops us from doing what we should- fear that if we give too much, we'll lose our own security. Fear that if we let too many in, there won't be enough for us anymore. Fear that if we love too deeply or too naively, we will be the ones that get hurt in the end. So we put up our walls and our fences and shut off our hearts and refuse to live fully, because we are just too scared. Read the warm fuzzy story. Read the Bible. Over and over again- Do not be afraid. Warm fuzzies don't run out. Generosity will not leave us destitute and love never fails. What is it about fear that we cling to?

My new prayer is that God take away my fear so I can love more fully. Fear touches me too. Fear that I could go to jail for protecting undocumented immigrants, fear that people I know will reject the work I do, fear that I won't be understood or appreciated, fear that those I want to help or love will betray me by making decisions I don't agree with, but I can't let those fears stop me from doing what I know is right. Throughout human history, great people have gone to jail for doing the right thing. Regardless of what happens, or what I have to suffer, I know God won't leave me. I know that my life will always be better for having risked my own safety and well- being on a chance to love. May God bless the people of this country, the immigrants who come to make their lives here and people living in fear all around the world. That the real threats to their lives and well-being may dissolve and that the perceived threats be recognized and conquered through making a decision to love instead.

Coming Home...

"The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time." - Abraham Lincoln

Well, I have closed another chapter of my life and I am coming away with a deep sense of satisfaction. That crazy school I complained about most of last year will always have a very special place in my heart. I think it has really helped to form my thinking about so many things in this world and will continue to have an impact on how I choose to live my life. I am so grateful for having had the opportunity and for having taken the opportunity to go and learn so much in such a short nine months.

Coming home so far has been amazing. Both my parents came to pick me up at the airport and after a fairly stressful day, it was so nice to see them. We had a good talk and they impressed me with a lot of what they said about immigration, spirituality, and family. It's amazing how much more reasonable your parents seem when you aren't 16 years old. My sister was great about returning all the clothes she had borrowed out of my closet while I was away and we even got to lay out in the sun for a little while... Juan Carlos and I had a great afternoon together sitting outside with his family drinking Corona and eating Ceviche. It was a wonderful way to open up this new chapter, full of familiarity and yet so much still unknown...

This summer, I'm planning to teach several English classes (hopefully a total of 18 credits) and I'm going to work with CIELO as much as I can as well. I think I can work with them pretty consistently through June and then we'll find out about the funding and how my position might change... I'm excited about it. Even though I would ideally like to be doing student advising, doing curriculum design and teaching again will be good. I get to be creative and I still get to interact with students regularly and everything. I'm hoping that working at CIELO will help me to meet several people in the local community too and maybe create connections and inspire future endeavors. Meanwhile, I am continuing to apply for full time work in higher ed, as an international student/study abroad advisor. We'll see what comes up...

Cycles of Love

"As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Now remain in my love...My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." John 15:9-12

I have learned often about how cycles of violence and hatred perpetuate themselves, how children who are abused often end up abusing others or how children witnessing violent or destructive behavior often end up behaving in violent or destructive ways. It never ceases to amaze me the impact that parents can have on their children. Of course, there are always cases of children who break the cycle but the odds are so stacked against them, even early on, that the cycle has a great tendency to continue.

A cycle less talked about but equally powerful, I believe, is that of love. When I think of how much compassion has been awakened in me through my life, I immediately think of my mother and the example she has set for me. When I think of my desire to help others or work on behalf of others, or when I recognize myself loving people just for who they are- not because of what language they speak or how they look or what they're capable of doing, my mother always comes to mind.

If a car is parked on the side of the freeway, my mom is the kind of person who stops and gets out to help and make sure everything is ok, while a hundred other cars drive by. She's the kind of person who volunteers to do everything from accounting to uniform sorting to support those she loves and help organizations continue work she believes in. She is a second mother to youth that don't find the support or discipline they seek at home. All through high school and college my friends and my sisters' friends have come to my mom for guidance, advice, support, or a good conversation. She's incredibly approachable and people tend to her trust her and be able to joke with her right away (even when they don't speak English). She is joy-filled and inspirational. She believes in people and the goodness of people and it's something striking to be around.

I can feel my mother's love for me and for all those in her life and I know that her influence has made me a more loving person. I guess that's what makes me believe so strongly in this cycle of love. When you are filled up with love, you can so much more easily share that love with other people, filling them. I was thinking in mass today that my mom probably learned a lot about how to love from my grandma and she from her mother. Since love is not always about what feels good, but about making certain choices and commitments, it's something that most people need an example in. I'm lucky I haven't had to go any further than my own home.

On this Mother's Day, I just want to thank my mother and my grandmother and my great grandmother up in heaven for choosing love and for perpetuating a cycle of love in their families. God knows we can all certainly use more love in this world. Thank you for leading me closer to grace.

Little Lessons

After feeling pretty overwhelmed with the future and putting a negative spin on a lot of things last week, I did some thinking and realized that even if I don't work as much or make as much money as I hope to, it will be great just to enjoy another summer at home, with my family. Time in and of itself can be a precious gift and that may be exactly what God wants to give me at this point in my life. If I can have patience, other things like homes and papers and vacations will come in time. I don't have to "arrive" quite yet. I can take my time getting to where I want to be eventually and I might even discover an alternative path I hadn't considered before along the way.

I feel a lot more positive about the future now. Not a lot has changed in my actual circumstance, but I just feel less anxious. I'm excited to go home in June and learn everything I can about non-profits and creating ESL curriculum for a month at CIELO, until we know more about what will happen with the funding. Letting go of the pressure to have my 6 month practicum set in stone before I leave has taken a huge weight off my shoulders. Meanwhile, I will continue to look for something long-term and just trust that the right thing will come up at the right time.

It's funny how as soon as I decided not to worry about it, things all of a sudden started to fall into place. Sometimes, I can just hear God saying, "I told you so (again)." I feel like I have to learn the same little lessons over and over and over again. Why is it so difficult to just trust and have faith? My father has said before that the difference between people who have faith and those who don't are that those who have faith don't need to worry nearly as much. How I long for faith to be the guiding light in my life and yet, how difficult it is to let go...

Since I'm on a little bit of a Gandhi kick this week anyway, I leave you with these quotes:

There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever. --Mahatama Gandhi

Faith is not something to grasp, it is a state to grow into. -- Mahatama Gandhi

And a couple others I liked:

You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith. --Mary Manin Morrissey

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be. -- Douglas Adams

Prayers

Please keep Juan Carlos and I in your prayers. Los Pinos of Lacey (the restaurant where Juan Carlos works) was sold today, and we still don't know what will happen with his job. I have applied to several jobs at Seattle University and Central Washington University and I'm planning to apply for a couple jobs at Pierce College, but the future is uncertain and it's difficult for us right now. I know that in these times more than anything I need to cling to faith and trust in God- again, that's easier said than done. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement.

Gandhi Said

"Be the change you wish to see in the world" - Mahatma Gandhi

Before I forget, I wanted to post a story that came up in my conflict transformation class last week. We were talking about non-violent conflict intervention and Gandhi's movement in India. Our teacher told us this story:

During Gandhi's days of leadership in India, there was a woman who had a five year old son, who was diabetic. Try as she would, she could not convince him to stop eating sweets. She tried scolding, pleading, punishing, rewarding and nothing worked. So, she took him to Gandhi. Gandhi spent 30 seconds talking to the boy. He told the mother to bring her son back in two weeks. She returned in two weeks crying because finally the little boy had completely given up eating sweets. She wanted to know what Gandhi could have possibly said to her son to convince him to give up sweets. He said that all he did was say, "I am going to give up sweets- will you join me?"

Our teacher then went on to tell us about a time he had used this method in his own family to try to get his uncle to stop smoking. He invited everyone in the family to give up something to affirm the life of his uncle. Some of his relatives gave up smoking themselves and invited him to join them. My teacher's nephew was very bullied in school, which is a widespread problem in Japan, often leading to suicides. His nephew was bullied so much that he was on the verge of suicide himself. When invited to participate in this life affirming process, his nephew told his grandfather, "If you stop smoking, I will keep going to school and never give up." Our teacher told us that although his uncle did not give up smoking, many other lives were saved and protected in the process of extending this invitation to affirm life.

These stories for me speak to the importance of inviting others and engaging with others. What strikes me most about Gandhi's work was that he didn't tell the Indian people what they should do. He led by example and invited others to join him. You get the feeling watching documentaries on him that he would have done the salt march alone if he had to, but invitations compel people toward action on a much deeper level than commands do. Next time I want someone in my life to change their behavior in some way, I will attempt to influence them through an invitation which engages and affirms, rather than by complaining, scolding, or begging, which tends to distance others. I think this really speaks to the attitude of us together rather than that of you and me as separate and independent beings. Like the metaphor of the body, if the finger is hurt or infected, you don't just ignore it, because ultimately it will affect the rest of the body or you will lose the use of this important body part. We should pay most attention to those parts of the body that are most needy, if we truly want to live as one body in Christ, as we claim to.

Where I'm At

I am in a strange place right now, where I feel both excitement and anxiety about closing this chapter of my life and entering a new one. It's fascinating to me all the different paths the different people in my life choose to take. At this age, everyone is doing something different, from traveling all over the world to entering the Peace Corps to settling down. Having always had the tendency to compare myself to others, I find myself with mixed feelings about what I feel I should do, what I want to do and where I'm going. I am learning to find security in places unbeknownst to the world. I am trying to find happiness in loving the people in my life and having that be enough for now, knowing that jobs and houses and reservations and marriage plans, and everything else, will all ultimately fall into place.

I found out recently that the job I accepted at CIELO is undergoing some funding changes. Because of anticipated expenses this fall, as well as the loans I need to start paying off, I feel the need to find consistent work. At the same time, I don't want to abandon a community I care about and work my heart calls me to. I felt before like I had so many leads- now I feel I've been put back at square one, wondering where I'll work next, where I'll live, who my friends will be, where I'll find support. I can't know it right now. I can't know any of it. And I hate that part. I'm going home in a couple of weeks, with seemingly nothing to show for my efforts at grad school and hours of job searching. Part of me wants to cry and then another part of me stops it and says I just need to have faith- that sometimes it's not about who you will be when you grow up, but who you are right now. Maybe it's not about tomorrow or the next day or where I'll live or what I'll do in October, but about what I'm doing today, right now.

Right now, all I know is that I'm in love. I'm in love with Juan Carlos and I want to spend my life with him, whatever that means. I'm in love with my family and grateful for their constant love and support, for their reminders that things will be ok. And I'm in love with God and His teaching and His people and His creation. I am so grateful for the gift of life- in all its disappointments and all its surprises that await me. My intention for the rest of my time here is just to be present- to stop thinking so much about tomorrow and the day after that... to stop planning details that will inevitably change and just to find comfort and joy in the connections I make with people, in the conversations, in trying to see and understand others for who they are. It's those moments in life in which we are really truly present that we can learn the most about ourselves and where we really want our lives to take us...

Small Injustices

It never ceases to amaze me how much I am a product of my own worldview. Today, I got a phone call from my undergraduate university saying that some administrative tasks fell through so that even though I completed all the work for my TESOL certificate, I was never registered for the last class and therefore never paid, never got credit and was never officially awarded the certificate. What this appears to amount to is an extra bill left over from my undergraduate education. And, thinking about it, it just made me so upset. It was frustrating just to think that I don't even have the money in my bank account to pay an extra thousand dollars for some left over credit mix up. Sometimes, what I perceive as being unjust costs just send me over the edge. Whether it's a cell phone bill, a misprocessed health insurance claim, a parking ticket in DC, or credits I never officially registered for, it just overwhelms me. It's almost like if these small things in life can't go smoothly, what can?

I'm not a fighter. I've never considered myself a fighter. I have always kind of imagined that faced with a significant survival task where only a few people live, I would not be one of those left when it's all said and done. I don't know why. It's just a feeling I have about myself. I have more of a martyr in me. I like to treat others fairly and I like to be treated fairly and, when it comes to this nation of laws and rules and subtext that I don't happen to get the memo on, I just feel like I get screwed over more often than not.

At the same time, I have to realize what a privilege it is to be fretting about school loans, rather than what I'm going to eat tomorrow. How blessed I am to be able to go out for an ice cream sundae with a girlfriend, go shopping whenever I want, wherever I want, worship according to my faith every Sunday... Yes, we all experience what feel like small "injustices" in our lives. Even when we look around and think no one else has to deal with this crap, everyone has their battles.... As overwhelming as life is to me sometimes with all its subtext that I don't read for one reason or another, my battles don't even begin to test the resilience of the human spirit and what we, as human beings, are really capable of...

I asked Juan Carlos tonight if we could just escape to Mexico and get away from it all and he said, "oh Janelle, I know this beautiful country is frustrating with all its rules and laws and paperwork, but well, that's just how it is. We're young. We have to be strong and just keep going through life." I feel so emotional right now anyway and hearing him say that just made me want to cry. All that he's been through, all the reasons he could hate this country and, through it all, he can recognize our privilege in being here and say "this beautiful country." I haven't heard that about the United States in such a long time. It was so needed- to be satisfied for even just a moment with where I am.

Then I talked to my mom and she reminded me everything would be ok. "We'll do what we have to do." And she shared the new saying she has hanging on her mirror, "Those who anger you control you." As an exercise in gratitude, I am thankful for the phone calls about unpaid undergraduate credits because they remind me how lucky I have been to go to college, to learn all the things I did, to study in other countries and experience all I have. I am thankful for the phone calls that lead me to rely on support from those who love me because it is only in these vulnerable moments, when I don't feel strong, when I need, that I can understand how critical other people are to me in my life and why God gave us one another.

Doing My Part

I just got back from watching the last half of "The Corporation" and having a two hour long discussion about it. There have been so many discussions on campus this year about capitalism and power and privilege and democracy and how all these things fit together in society. I wish I had the stamina of some of my classmates to read more and delve into these issues more deeply.

Being Catholic, the concept that material wealth isn't the point of life and that we need to live in love of one another and in community isn't a foreign one. I've grown up hearing all my life how we need to live in the world and yet not be of the world. I wonder how many Americans would really say their values lie in being consumers or being materialist. And, at the same time, where do my actions line up with my values? We talked tonight a little bit about fake wants- all the things we're told we want but don't actually desire. I think these really haunt me. I find myself "wanting" things all the time that might make me happy for a moment or a day or a week but that I know won't give me true peace when it's all said and done.

Yet, I really really desire things of this world. I want to have money to take vacations with my family and go out for a coffee with my girlfriends, and have a nice, comfortable home and maybe even get Juan Carlos that nice truck he's always dreamed of having. Is that selfish? Sometimes, I find it so difficult to be a conscientious person in this world- always thinking about whether to buy and what to buy and who it's affecting and how to live responsibly, when, at the end of the day, I just want to be able to go to a job I enjoy and come home to people I love and who love me, who I can laugh with and cry with and navigate through life with. All I want is security and love. But is this falling into the American trap of apathy? What about everyone else in this country and all over the world who only want security and love for themselves and their families too? When my security is built on the instability of their country or the exploitation of them for their labor, what do I do?

I talked tonight about sacrifices- about how real change can only come about when people are ready to give some things up for something else that's better. When we can give up drinking beverages like Coke (that kill union leaders, privatize water, and cause entire populations to be dependent on their beverage in spite of its incredibly negative impact on human health) to force Coke to change or to go out of business because of their actions, then we can start to have a real impact. However, when it comes down to it, most people like Coke. They appreciate the freedom to buy it and drink it when they want and they don't want to give that up. It doesn't necessarily occur to them that others don't have the choice to drink pure water, or if it does, it's irrelevant. Ultimately, they want to drink Coke and they will, regardless of the connections we can draw for them.

I realize that people having choices is God's intention for humanity. We have free will so that we can find true freedom in making choices that lead us closer to God, closer to Truth, to Life, to Peace, and to who we are really intended to be. But all this free will sure makes it difficult to go against the tide if that's what I think I have to do to live as God wants. And, sometimes, it makes it hard to know what God even does really want. I don't really know if He wants me to try to save money to buy a home so I can use it to host others and save resources for later on or to live in a tent city in solidarity with the homeless. My conclusion for tonight is that people are called to different walks of life and whatever you do you need to be at peace doing it, because, if you're not, you'll never do it effectively. I really think the best difference I can make right now is in contributing to creating community around me, talking to others, learning from others and showing others how we can all be more active in creating the kind of world we want to live in. I need to work from where I am- in my own backyard, in the social circles I'm with. I know my calling could change, but I really think, that for now, this is where I can have the biggest impact. I leave you with a couple thoughts from one of my favorite leaders and role models, Mother Teresa of Calcutta.

"Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person. "

"I want you to be concerned about your next door neighbor. Do you know your next door neighbor?"

"Love begins by taking care of the closest ones - the ones at home."

Vulnerability and Seeking Peace

The more I read in the news about different situations overseas and now this tragedy with Virginia Tech right in our backyard, I really feel the need to pause for a moment and just take in what a gift life really is. In spite of endless rainy weather, stressful group work, pointless assignments or any other reasons I would rather just stay curled up in bed and sleep through the day, I am really reminded of what a gift it is to have today- to be able to breathe and move and think and act freely. I can't find the original email I read, but I leave you with this reflection since it has the same idea.

To be Thankful For......
.....the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends.....the taxes I pay because it means that I'm employed.....the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.....a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.....all the complaining I hear about our government because it means we have freedom of speech......the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking.....my huge heating bill because it means I am warm......the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear.....the piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear......weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been able to have an active day.....the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I'm alive...

Trying Tofu

I know it must seem like I am losing my source of profound things to talk about if I am now going to tell you about how I tried Tofu for the first time tonight, but just stick with me here. Recently, since being diagnosed with hypothyroidism, I have been trying to be more concientious about what I eat and what I do with my body. Though I have to say that there are times when I haven't done such a great job, I have pretty much given up coffee and I am trying to do regular exercise and eat more vegetables. It is incredible to me how these very small things, starting with not drinking as much coffee, have helped me to completely change my own image of myself.

I have started to think of myself as a healthy person for the first time since I stopped playing soccer in high school. And deciding to try one little thing at a time has made it fairly manageable. But the thing is that I had to try things that I thought I wouldn't like to find out that I actually did. Yoga, for example, was always an exercise I had a very strange image of. I thought you had to balance a lot and twist your body in crazy ways. I never thought I would be able to do it, much less like it. Come to find out it is challenging, strength building, and yet very relaxing at the same time. Now, I actually desire to stretch my body after sitting for long periods of time. Kickboxing is still a big stretch for me but I'm proud of myself just for going and trying. I can't always keep up, I'm not coordinated enough to do all the kicks and different moves, but still, I feel proud of myself just for doing something active with my body. And the exercise makes me want to take care of myself with what I eat too.

So, today, after doing Yoga, an exercise I never thought I would enjoy, I tried Tofu for the first time, a food I never thought I would enjoy and low and behold, it actually isn't too bad. I just discovered a new great source of protein to add to my diet. Ever since studying abroad, I learn over and over the ways that trying things I never did before can change my whole perspective on the world, or, in this case, on myself. And I also strive to remember the importance of taking care of myself in this life and being the kind of person I really want to be, even if it takes a little more effort. My mom used to have this quote hanging up on the fridge from a popular song:

"This is your life. Are you who you want to be?"

It helps to reflect on that every once in awhile and remember that it's never too late to change and become more of who we really are...

A General Update

So sorry to those of you who have been checking regularly to see what I'm up to and have found nothing the past couple weeks. It appears I took an extra long spring break. : ) Going home over the break was really wonderful- truly energizing and reaffirming. I felt very supported and very loved by everyone in my life, which is a gift I need to constantly remind myself not to take for granted. I spent a significant amount of time trying to further my job/practicum search to finish up with my masters and trying to remind Juan Carlos of all the reasons it really would be worth going through a wedding ceremony to marry me (even if he thinks it's "embarassing"). : ) I think I'm making progress on both ends.

I took a job today with CIELO Project, which is a non-profit organization in Olympia, WA that does a lot of programming for the Latino population in the area, including parenting classes, individual and family counseling, and, of course, ESL classes. I will be coordinating the ESL curriculum, which I am really excited about, since it will give me the opportunity to be creative and find ways to make language learning especially relevant and empowering to the students who come to CIELO. I have a lot of research and work ahead of me, but it will be great to establish that community and be able to do something I can feel really proud of and good about. The job is only part time so I am still looking for something (hopefully with benefits) to fill in the rest of my schedule, but I have faith that God will show me where I need to be when I need to be there.

Meanwhile, I am just trying to wrap my head around this whole concept of adulthood and what that really means and whether I can do it. Sometimes I feel like the only way I am going to make it through the mess of full work days, endless bills, finding somewhere to live, taking care of the house, cooking, cleaning, deciphering confusing paperwork about loans and mortgages and words I can't pronounce when I get out of school is if I just don't think about it too much. It all seems so overwhelming and impossible and exhausting. I just don't understand how people do it all over and over again every day...

I am also struggling a lot with my own hypocrisy, where I have a tendency to react to certain situations in a way that is not in line with my beliefs. For example, sometimes I find it so difficult to do simple favors for people, when I believe that I should be able and willing to do these things without hesitation. And, as much as I believe in concepts like generosity, when it comes down to actually giving things up or giving things away, it becomes difficult for me to act on this value of mine. I struggle with what my heart knows to be true and what my head has ingrained in it as being important. Security is so important to me and having things the way I thought they would be or wanted them to be is so critical that I find myself fighting not to give those things up, even though I know it's a battle I've already lost. I have to find ways to say "yes" to people and do favors without hesitation, dread or regret. I must work to let go of fears about things not turning out the way I hoped or imagined. I know this will be a lifelong battle, but if I don't figure out how to deal effectively with disappointment and loss I will never be able to live as freely and lovingly as I want to in this world. No false sense of security can be worth never really living, right?

Consistent Life Ethic

I don't usually write two blogs in one day, but I got distracted reading other blogs after writing my first one and what I read was really upsetting to me. I have to express some of my thoughts. I was reading a blog of a fellow Catholic who, among talking about some things I agree with (like taking into account those who are without enough to eat and the beauty of motherhood and giving life) also wrote about how Muslims were evil and had pictures depicting Iraqis as "bad guys" and U.S. soldiers as "good guys" with those captions underneath them. She claims that Muslims are attacking Judeo-Christianity and appears to make the connection that, because of that, it is ok that we are waging war on Iraq.

First of all, what happened on September 11th was an incredible tragedy in which many lives were lost meaninglessly. Many many people suffered at the hands of a few who made some horrific choices. It is important to remember that September 11th was one of thousands of horrific events that have been committed by one group of people against another throughout the past century. It is also important to separate the "Islamic faith" from the "Political Islam" that is being used as a name to back violent acts. I would argue that there exists a "Political Christianity" and "Political Judaism" too. There are plenty of examples of times when the name of a particular denomination has been used to justify horrible tragedies that have nothing to do with what these faiths actually teach. Those who practice a particular faith do not necessarily support the people that use that faith for political purposes and we must be able to separate these things.

The teaching of the Catholic faith is that life is sacred from conception until natural death. All life. All people. Everywhere. I guess in part this interpretation may be my own bias because I could never swallow the concept that God would have a "chosen people" in some preferential sense. The God I know does not distinguish between His children in some fundamental, value laden kind of way, and I believe it is exactly at the moment we, as people, begin to say which lives are valuable and which aren't that we become a completely self-destructive culture. If you believe that women should not abort their children because life is precious, then why, when it comes to war, are lives all of a sudden extinguishable? If life is sacred, it's sacred. Period. I don't understand how people can be so avid about protecting life for some people and then dismiss the lives of others. The unborn, children, adults, the elderly, in Russia, Mexico, the United States, China, India, Japan, Iraq, Malawi, Kenya, Indonesia, anywhere in the world- they're all sacred and all valuable human beings. Regardless of where they were born or what faith they grew up with, their lives should be considered and protected.

An inconsistent life ethic- believing that taking life under some circumstances and not others violates the entire premise of trying to promote a culture of life. If Jesus is the one that came to save us and He's everything to us, shouldn't we pay a little more attention to His life for guidance in our own? Shouldn't we remember all the times he talked to people across cultural and faith divides? Did we forget the stories about Gentiles and Jews and how Jesus came for all of us and replace them with stories about battling and creating wars to protect the "right" side instead?

War should essentially be a non-option for those professing to want to live as Jesus taught. The fact that it was considered and implemented so thoughtlously with so little relevant connection to the attacks that actually took place on American soil should be as disappointing to the American people as it has been devastating to the world.

In Iraq, an estimated 600, 000 Iraqis have died by violence (see the following website: http://www.eprof.org/wednesday/2006/11/extra_credit_600000_iraquis_de.html).
600, 000 people who were just living their lives, who had little to nothing to do with September 11th- who were just trying to make it day to day when their country was shattered by bombs that missed their targets over and over again. 600, 000 have died, 2 million have fled to surrounding areas, and 1.8 million are internally displaced within their own country. And not only Iraqis have died of course. According to www.hispanicbusiness.com "As of Sunday, at least 3,217 U.S. troops have died in Iraq, according to an Associated Press count. An additional 13,357 were wounded and returned to duty, while 10,685 suffered more serious wounds. About one in five of the wounded troops suffered serious wounds such as loss of a limb or an eye, massive burns, spinal or head damage or other debilitating injuries." This war has caused destruction far greater than what happened on September 11th and has taken hundreds of thousands of more lives. Waging war will never bring back the people that were taken from us. It will not erect "justice" in any real sense. It will only bring more destruction, as is clearly evidenced in the case of this war. We have to learn how to mourn our losses, forgive and move on with our lives in a peaceful and loving way.

Only by doing this can we maintain a consistent life ethic of valuing all life, everywhere in the world, fully and equitably. 600,000 Iraqis dead should devastate me as much as having 600,000 Washingtonians dead. They are all people- Iraqis are my brothers and sisters in this world no less than those in my own state or country and they deserve no worse treatment and no less respect. I really believe that this is what God calls me to see. Tell me, with such a loss of life, a loss of dignity, a loss of living in any kind of reasonable safety or security, where is our faith? I speak against this as a Catholic and as a member of this world who values all life, everywhere, no less than my own, until the end.

Unconditional Love

I was just reflecting today on what a gift it is to be unconditionally loved. I can say I truly feel that nothing I do could make my parents or my sisters stop loving me and that knowledge and security has given me the freedom to do so many things and express myself in ways I would never have the confidence to otherwise. What an incredible and precious thing it is to be truly and deeply loved just for being. My aspiration is to reflect this same kind of love for everyone in my life. Unconditionally loving and valuing others for who they are- that's really what this life is all about. Thank you to my family for showing me what this means each and every day.

Monopoly, Resistance and Staying Connected

In a book I was reading by Allan Johnson, he compares the system we are living in to playing a board game like Monopoly. He talks about how, since we live in a culture focused so much on the individual and individual beliefs and intentions and responsibility, we aren't always aware of the influence the bigger systems in our lives have us and others. We tend to think about systems as just the compilation of a bunch of individuals, instead of recognizing they promote certain behaviors and values within them. I wanted to include his explanation:

"Like everyone else, as a Monopoly player I try to take everything from all the other players- all of their money, all their property- which then forces them out of the game. The point of the game is to ruin everyone else and be the only one left in the end. When you win, you feel good, because you're supposed to feel good. Except that one day I realized I felt good about winning-about taking everything from everyone else- even when I played with my children, who were pretty young at the time. But there didn't seem to be much point to playing without trying to win, because winning was what the game was about. Why land on a property and not buy it, or own a property and not improve it, or have other players land on your property and not collect the rent? So I stopped playing"(86).

He goes on to explain that systems should not be confused with who the players are. The players participate in the system. If there were no players, Monopoly would just be a bunch of meaningless pieces, but the game of Monopoly and the people who play it are not the same. Their behavior has less to do with what their own natural instinct is than with taking the path of least resistance and conforming to what will help them to "win." He explains that we generally have a hundred different decisions we could make about what to do in any given situation. In class, I could get up and walk around the room while the teacher is talking. At a movie theatre, I could throw popcorn at the person in front of me, I could face the back of the elevator instead of the front or not look people in the eye when I talk to them. However, all of these behaviors would cause significant resistance from the people around me. They would be considered "inappropriate" or even outright rude. Essentially, it is important that we acknowledge how much other people, as opposed to "human nature" influence the way we act and what we perceive as "normal" and "acceptable."

He goes on to talk about how, because people generally do not see the external systems they are a part of, that they judge the existence of things like sexism or racism on how they personally relate to those concepts. They think that, because they would never treat anyone differently because of race or age or gender, that, either these thoughts and behaviors don't exist or, if they do, they are someone else's problem.

The reality is that as long as we fail to recognize that we are part of a system in which certain people are being treated poorly and/or feel poorly about themselves (refer to documentary under "Movies to Watch" called "A girl like me" #2) based on gender, race, socio-economic class, and sexual orientation, we continue to be part of the problem. Whenever someone is beaten up for the way they look or the preferences they have or ignored at an interview or in a store or investigated extensively based on their heritage or the amount of money they earn and we stand by and allow it to happen, it will continue. Those who execute those behaviors are encouraged by our inaction. Us not doing anything essentially ingrains in the system and our society once more that the behavior is acceptable. Our individual intentions or values around the issue are beside the point because the consequences remain. As long as people are suffering and treated unfairly and we stand by just watching, regardless of what our heart tells us or how we feel- if we fail to act, we are contributing to the problem. We have to hold others accountable for unacceptable behavior, despite the resistance it might bring, and we have to be willing to critically examine change our own behavior as well, even if it just means acting on what we truly value.

We're part of systems that, as privileged people, we are not even meant to see. This is how I can say that Mr. Walton of Walmart may be a very nice man at a cocktail party and yet, when I am exposed to the IMMENSE exploitation, waste and greed that his vast wealth is built upon (see "The High Cost of Low Prices"), I can't help but think to myself, these are the kinds of people that go to hell. Of course, I am not condemning anyone but merely making a point that depending on which side of the story you're on, the entire system and its functionality looks very different. The same system that has created incredible wealth for some has left others more destitute than ever. Now, in a time where the world has produced more wealth than in all of history, there is absolutely no reason for anyone to go hungry, to not be able to support themselves and their own families in their own countries. But it's this game, because the game doesn't have ceilings. There's no such thing as once I turn over 1 billion dollars I should give half of that to benefit those that helped me to make my fortune or I should give health benefits to my employees once I can afford it. There's no regulation, except individual conscience, and many incredibly wealthy people are too busy playing the game of adding up millions and billions of dollars to think about the millions and billions of people who are barely living day to day, in poor housing and with a lack of basic nutrition on the paychecks they receive from the companies of the wealthy. The game never stops. It never stops until we all stop playing and decide that there is another, more productive, more beneficial system we should be creating and participating in.

The motivation to change the system we're in, though, can't just come from "good intentions" by the privileged. It has to be a consequence of us engaging with one another, realizing what we share, and embracing our shared vulnerabilities as people in an insecure, unstable game. You see, in the system where we are, all it takes is a marriage outside of the social class, a natural disaster at the wrong time, a financial mistake or bad luck for members of our family or friends of ours to fall out of being competitive in this game we participate in. We can go from being in the "right" social categories to the "wrong" ones so very quickly. Although I believe in and greatly respect the power of making "good" decisions to "move ahead." I also appreciate the fact that regardless of what many people have overcome in their lifetimes and the decisions they have made, the fact that the game exists as it does, makes bad luck or bad positioning much too influential a factor.

Ultimately we're in this together. And it's not about who donates what or how many hours of community service you put in, it's about knowing our neighbors again, about caring about what happens to people in our schools and in our communities regardless of who their parents are, what kind of house they live in, what color their skin is or what people they're attracted to. It's about realizing this game isn't good for any of us, because the more I participate in something destructive to anyone, the more I lose my own humanity and the farther I fall from peace. No amount of denial can make this go away. If we are truly one body, as I was raised to believe, then we take care of the different parts of the body, not out of some kind of charitable obligation, but because we need all the parts to function as wholly and completely as possible. It's about loving each other and realizing we need each other as well. Every life that is conceived in this world is of value to this world and nobody should ever be left to feel like they are disposable or less valuable because they are treated as if they were. Just consider the games we are participating in every day. What would you need to resist participating in them in the same way? How could you change the game for yourself or someone else? And how could you do this out of a place of connectedness, rather than a place of perpetual charity, guilt, or forced obligation.

Unanswered Prayers

I have always found that the hardest things in my life to let go of are the plans and dreams I have set out for myself. We were once asked at a retreat: "If you could write down everything that you would want to happen in your life and have it all come true or leave the paper blank and leave it to God, what would you do?" I took it seriously and I thought about it so hard. I mean, writing everything down, I could have everything I ever wanted- guaranteed. I could guarantee myself a healthy, loving family and well-behaved children and a secure job, even horses...I could live in a small town, in a nice community where people looked out for each other. I could make my life "perfect" however I would envision that now. And yet, when I looked back on my life even up to that point, I realized that the most amazing things that have ever happened to me or that I ever did were things I never would have written into my "plan." They were the times others surprised me or that I surprised myself, that I did things I never thought I could or would.

And then I knew, as much as I desired to guarantee myself certain securities or even luxuries in life, I would have to leave that paper blank...

There's a song I really like called, "Unanswered Prayers" and I think it means so much to me because of all the times I just haven't even known what I really wanted and I've thought I wanted one thing when really something else was what I wanted or really needed all along.

When Juan Carlos and I first met, he struck me right away because he wasn't interested in impressing me, like most of guys I had met up to that point. If he didn't agree, he made it very clear. Once, when I was talking to him about how sometimes I didn't want to do things but I just did them anyway, he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Tu eres tan debil" (You are so weak) "Si no quieres hacer ciertas cosas, por que las haces?" (If you don't want to do certain things, then why do you?) I was totally taken aback that anyone would be that direct with me and even harsh, but, oddly, he was just the right person at just the right time in my life to make me think hard about my life and how I could make what I wanted and how I was acting match up a little more closely.

I never would have imagined falling in love with someone like him- we're so different...I can't even tell you how often we argued when we were first going out. I always think it's kind of incredible we stayed together. We had countless misunderstandings because of language issues or cultural values. We had to talk and talk and talk our way through every little thing and really work our way to the heart of every issue. It was always so revealing when we could get past the surface to the feelings that were motivating our comments...when we could begin to understand each other's sense of humor and what to say and not say.

I never would have written this relationship into my "plan" but I think it is the best thing that ever happened to me. I just think of how rich he has made my life, teaching me about the resilience of humanity, challenging my own generosity and sense of community, helping me to love and appreciate my family on a level I probably wouldn't otherwise, showing me the beauty of leading a balanced life- that true love is loving myself and my family and friends and not just forgetting everyone else or myself to be with him. He has shown me the power of committment and loyalty. He has exemplified for me that love is wanting the best for the other person and has demonstrated his love for me time and time again.

Of course, it hasn't always been as easy as it is now and I'm sure the road will be rocky again, but I feel like, because of everything we've been through, we have developed skills to dialog and to listen to understand one another that I just can't imagine I would have otherwise. My challenge now is to apply the same tenents of listening to understand, giving the benefit of the doubt, asking non-provacative questions when I don't understand, and being direct and honest in my communication to situations with everyone else I interact with.

So, once again, my plans are not God's plans, and I am so grateful sometimes for unanswered prayers...or the ones that are answered that I didn't even know I was praying for...

Responsible Democracy

So, it's time for me to stop preaching and actually take some concrete action around advocacy. The following is a sample letter I am sending to my representatives following a simple 3 paragraph form. When we were in DC, we learned that the more personalized, the more effective these letters usually are. But, it is so short, it really doesn't take much time to write.

Monday, March 12, 2007

The Honorable Maria Cantwell
511 Dirksen Senate Office Building
Washington DC 20510

Dear Senator Maria Cantwell,

I would like to first and foremost thank you for your past support of legislation for comprehensive immigration reform. Having worked with immigrant communities as an English teacher in western Washington, I have witnessed firsthand the dedication of countless immigrants to pursue their educational goals and positively integrate themselves into their local communities. Immigrants in this country truly embody the pursuit of what I consider to be “the American dream.”

Currently, I am a Master’s candidate at the School for International Training in Brattleboro, VT. However, I consider Washington state my home and plan to move back there to work after completing the coursework portion of my degree. Unfortunately, I recently learned of some specific legislative bars within immigration policy that may prevent me from being able to live in my home, near my family, as long as I would like to. My fiancé is an immigrant from Mexico. We met two and a half years ago in Washington and fell in love. I would never trade the relationship for anything in the world. However, because he entered the country illegally, he is now barred from applying for legal status, even when we get married. If he cannot reside legally with me and my family, as well as his immediate family, who also reside in Washington state, we may be forced to move elsewhere or risk his deportation. This will be devastating for us, as we are both very close to our families. Additionally, it will bring financial hardship to me, since I had to take out thousands and thousands of dollars in loans in order to attend graduate school.

Although, I realize that his entrance was unlawful and that it will have to be addressed in future legislation, I ask that you continue to support legislation that will provide a reasonable and humane path towards legalization for the millions of undocumented immigrants residing here, recognizing that enforcement only or even enforcement first policies will negatively impact thousands of constituents like me who have found their lives inextricably intertwined and integrated with those of this nation’s immigrants. Please feel free to contact me to follow up about this issue: Janelle.Martinez@mail.sit.edu or 360-789-0351. Thank you very much.

Sincerely,



Janelle Martinez

Current Address:
1 Kipling Road PO Box 1313
Brattleboro, VT 05301


Of course, I have much more to say, but it's a start. I REALLY encourage you to write a letter as well. Here is an easy format to follow:

- Explain who you are and why you're writing.
- Expound upon the details based on fact, not emotion. How does the issue specifically affect you? Cite the correct title or number if advocating for a specific bill.
- Request the action you would like to be taken.

My favorite story is that one representative that a student here talked to said that one time he had to change his vote to align with his constituents. When asked how many letters it took for him to change his vote, he said: 6! Imagine! Of course, there's no way to guarantee that they'll listen when we write but they definitely won't listen if we don't do anything.

If you want to help with my situation (and that of many others) please, please consider writing to your representatives about immigration and how it affects you or me or anyone else...

To look up your representatives, go to:
www.house.gov
www.senate.gov

You can email them or send them hard copies of letters.

Here are some other resources:
FAIR- Federation for American Immigration Reform (enforcement only) www.fairus.org
AILA- American Immigration Lawyers Association (comprehensive reform) www.aila.org
Seattle Archdiocese- (for a faith-based perspective) www. seattlearch.org
NCLR- National Council of La Raza (focuses on immigrant rights) www.nclr.org

And you can always do a general search for more...

The following is a summary I put together of some of the positions/issues related to immigration:

SPECIFICS ON IMMIGRATION IN THE US:

Brief History of Immigration: Refer to National Immigration Forum http://www.immigrationforum.org/

Enforcement Only- This position is taken by those who generally want to leave the immigration laws in place as they are. They advocate for more funding and staffing to go to enforcement agencies in charge of identifying and deporting illegal aliens, as well as stricter penalties for employers who employ illegal aliens. They generally want strict immigration laws because they perceive that as being best for the American public.

Comprehensive Immigration Reform- This position is generally taken by those who see the current immigration system as “broken” and want to advocate for a complete overhaul with several revisions. It can include all or several of the following aspects:

1. Addressing the undocumented population in the US by creating a path to legalization (either permanent or temporary)

2. Addressing the backlogs of those who have applied through the existing legal avenues to come to the US- oftentimes by increasing the numbers of how many can come to reflect the current realities of applicants, increased efficiency in processing applications, increased staffing and/or funding to support reforms

3. Addressing the future waves of immigrants – most often through a temporary guest worker program but could include a new way to attain permanent or temporary legal status in the U.S. The previously proposed legislation varies significantly in terms of the kinds of rights this population would have in the US

4. Refugee/Asylum Seekers- There are several issues that need addressed:
- Making sure the funding is in place to allow the allotted number of refugees who are eligible to come to the US to actually be able to come (often funding falls short)
- Material support/Refugee status – Currently, anyone that is seen as having given material support of any kind to anyone deemed a "terrorist" or "terrorist organization" is not eligible for refugee status. Because many refugees come from oppressive regimes and may have been forced into “helping” what are considered to be "terrorist organizations," this law greatly limits the number of people eligible to receive refugee status.
- Due process for asylum seekers- Because of a shortage of lawyers and internal problems in the system, asylum seekers may not be read their rights and given the due process they legally deserve
- Backlogs for asylum seekers- There are significant backlogs for those who have applied for asylum/refugee status. Many must stay in detention centers until they are granted the appropriate paperwork.

5. Security/Enforcement Measures- Previous legislation has proposed everything from making undocumented immigrants and those who aid them into felons to employer verification technology to determine whether potential employees have legal status to creating a fence at the US/Mexican border. Some strongly believe in a need for security measures to be put into effect, while others include this aspect to appease the enforcement only advocates.

Best of luck in working for social change! I really appreciate your support around this issue as well!

Archbishop Oscar Romero

Archbishop Romero used his faith as a catalyst to work towards the empowerment of the poor in his country, El Salvador, during a time of intense repression and grave mistreatment. Although, he was hesitant to take a stand at first because of the risks involved to his own life, he saw he had a higher calling. He was assassinated on March 24th, 1980 while he was celebrating mass. After some not-so uplifting posts, I wanted to share a prayer often attributed to Archbishop Oscar Romero, but which was actually drafted for Cardinal Deardon by Bishop Ken Untener of Saginaw and first recited at a mass for deceased priests in 1979. (http://www.xaviermissionaries.org/m_life/NL_Archives/2003-N_Lett/Romero_Prayer.htm)

It has really inspired me. This is his prayer:

It helps, now and then, to step back and take a long view. The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts, it is even beyond our vision. We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction of the magnificent enterprise that is God’s work. Nothing we do is complete, which is a way of saying that the Kingdom always lies beyond us.

No statement says all that could be said. No prayer fully expresses our faith. No confession brings perfection. No pastoral visit brings wholeness. No program accomplishes the Church’s mission. No set of goals and objectives includes everything. This is what we are about.

We plant the seeds that one day will grow. We water seeds already planted, knowing that they hold future promise. We lay foundations that will need further development. We provide yeast that produces far beyond our capabilities. We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that.

This enables us to do something, and to do it very well. It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, an opportunity for the Lord’s grace to enter and do the rest. We may never see the end results, but that is the difference between the master builder and the worker. We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs. We are prophets of a future not our own.

My prayer is that we may never cease to work towards a better future, while recognizing that our efforts will never bring a perfect end.

Fear and Deception

I saw a movie on Friday night that really got to me. It's called "Why we fight" and it is based on militarism in the US and US foreign policy. We've been talking in conflict transformation about how people often react negatively and shut down when they feel like something about their own identity is being threatened. We also talked in another class about how often people say it is "human nature" to avoid or be threatened by the "different" or the "unknown" and, yet, how there's hundreds of examples that demonstrate how that is not really true. In his book, Privilege, Power and Difference, Johnson notes that "Scientists, psychotherapists, inventors, novelists (and their fans), explorers, philosophers, spiritualists, anthropologists, and the just plain curious are all drawn toward the mystery of what they don't know" (Johnson, 16, 2001). It is dangerous to begin to talk about "human nature" especially when we only base our ideas on what our own experiences reveal. Clearly, that would be the most logical place to start, but the way people think or behave often has just as much to do with how they are brought up to behave or think as whatever they "naturally" would. It is revealing to go to other parts of the country or the world, where the assumptions we had made about "human nature" or the way people live are totally negated.

What is scary to me about a culture of militarism and imperialism is that it takes excess- the unnecessary- at the cost of others' basic needs and justifies it with rhetoric about "national interest" or "national security." I truly question these words. The United States of America already possesses more nuclear arms than any other country on Earth- enough to blow the entire world up several times over. Why- when people are going without health care, when school districts can't "afford" to pay teachers a reasonable salary and provide enough resources for students, when people go hungry, go without basic dignity, are we spending billions and billions of dollars funding the potential destruction of the world several times over? Sometimes I feel so simple, like a small child asking her father, "but why does the US government want to blow the world up Daddy?" Why would they invest so many resources in sheer destructive potential? Will that protect us? Will us being able to destroy the earth 5 times protect us? Are these weapons going to destroy everyone else but not us? Can we really think we're immune?

And then to think it's not just national security concerns or questions about preserving democracy. It's not about that at all. There are huge contracts tied into the production of weapons. Essentially, war makes people rich. The United States spends more on defense than ALL OTHER BUDGETS COMBINED. We arguably have the most powerful economy on earth, enough weapons to destroy the earth several times over- who are we defending ourselves from? And why do we think that our security lies in military force? Probably because that's what we're "led to believe" because of rhetoric, but the people telling us this are salespeople, in business, just like people that sell you a car or a cell phone. Why are we so much more skeptical of people selling us a new TV set than of our national leaders who we are responsible to hold accountable? Our tax money is funding their business of the mass production of unnecessary military equipment and arms. And why? Because major corporations fund campaigns much more effectively than school teachers. Our representatives can't "afford" to tell us the truth. Our government has too much at stake.

I feel so disillusioned to find that my beautiful country, full of democracy and voice and liberty and justice for all is killing people to make a profit and all the people I love, with me, are standing by because we either don't know about it or simply choose to ignore what we do know or what we could know because it makes us feel horrible. It hurts to the core of who we think we are and we don't know what to do about it...So, we just deny it. Instead of going to rent a documentary or look up alternative news sources or trying to get closer to the truth, we pretend it's going to go away. We continue to believe the "military-industrial" complex that Eisenhower warned us of, hasn't arisen yet, and, if it has, that at least it won't touch us. It won't affect OUR lives and OUR children. Well, it has and it is and it absolutely will. Mother Teresa of Calcutta once said, "If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten we belong to one another." Do we have what we would consider real peace in our lives? Do we always remember the truth that God gave us to one another? This world is getting smaller by the day. Every action our government takes represents us, the people of the United States, to the rest of the world. We have to educate ourselves about what is going on, what others' experiences are, where we can cut excess in government spending for destructive purposes and in our own lives. We must learn to live simply so that others may simply live.

I recommend renting the films: "Why we fight" and "Arms for the Poor"(about US militarism) "Broken Rainbow" (about Native Americans), "Down and Out in America" (about poverty in the US) just think about the messages- consider that they might have some truth... Maybe they aren't "feel good" films, but taking time to be "uncomfortable" can move us closer to living lives of love than we may realize. My parents taught me that true committment and true love is not always about what "feels good." Their lessons stay with me to this day.