Reflections in the midst of chaos

With less than two weeks to go before Juan Carlos and I commit our lives to each other, I have had enough emotional breakdowns lately to call me into a little bit of reflection tonight. Sometimes I think about when we thought of getting married in a small chapel with only our immediate families there and how much easier that would have been. I am feeling the burden of abundance in some ways with this wedding. It's so easy in planning an event this large to get caught up in how things are going to look and who is going to think what- how to please all people and cater to all cultures, how to keep it organized and loose, planned and spontaneous, how to make all the little pieces fit just so. With the best of intentions, I tell myself, I just want it all to work out. I just want everyone to be happy. But I remember in moments like these that happiness is not a seamless performance when everything goes just right. Happiness is when you realize how much people care about you because they step in when something starts to fall apart. It's the last minute trip to the store because you didn't get enough ice. It's your sisters convincing you that you're beautiful even when your hair looks like crap. It's a hug at the end of a hard day full of unmet expectations reminding you everything is going to be ok- that life goes on and so does love and, in the end, that's more important than the food and the punch and the decorations. In the end, that's really what happiness is all about.

It's so easy to forget but so important to remember that what makes me feel most fulfilled and joyful about the planning of this whole wedding is not the gorgeous dress or the great food or the personal touches here and there, but how loved I feel seeing all the effort loved ones have put in to make this happen. The real perfection lies not in having something "just so" but rather in the fact that I am so fortunate to be cared for enough to have any of it at all. In these final days of planning and preparation, I will try to focus more than anything on my gratitude for all the love in my life. After all, that's really what this sacrament is meant to help me and everyone else realize is that a committment to love through the unexpected, through the difficult is unsurpassable, for this kind of decision moves from that which is human to the divine.