A General Update

So sorry to those of you who have been checking regularly to see what I'm up to and have found nothing the past couple weeks. It appears I took an extra long spring break. : ) Going home over the break was really wonderful- truly energizing and reaffirming. I felt very supported and very loved by everyone in my life, which is a gift I need to constantly remind myself not to take for granted. I spent a significant amount of time trying to further my job/practicum search to finish up with my masters and trying to remind Juan Carlos of all the reasons it really would be worth going through a wedding ceremony to marry me (even if he thinks it's "embarassing"). : ) I think I'm making progress on both ends.

I took a job today with CIELO Project, which is a non-profit organization in Olympia, WA that does a lot of programming for the Latino population in the area, including parenting classes, individual and family counseling, and, of course, ESL classes. I will be coordinating the ESL curriculum, which I am really excited about, since it will give me the opportunity to be creative and find ways to make language learning especially relevant and empowering to the students who come to CIELO. I have a lot of research and work ahead of me, but it will be great to establish that community and be able to do something I can feel really proud of and good about. The job is only part time so I am still looking for something (hopefully with benefits) to fill in the rest of my schedule, but I have faith that God will show me where I need to be when I need to be there.

Meanwhile, I am just trying to wrap my head around this whole concept of adulthood and what that really means and whether I can do it. Sometimes I feel like the only way I am going to make it through the mess of full work days, endless bills, finding somewhere to live, taking care of the house, cooking, cleaning, deciphering confusing paperwork about loans and mortgages and words I can't pronounce when I get out of school is if I just don't think about it too much. It all seems so overwhelming and impossible and exhausting. I just don't understand how people do it all over and over again every day...

I am also struggling a lot with my own hypocrisy, where I have a tendency to react to certain situations in a way that is not in line with my beliefs. For example, sometimes I find it so difficult to do simple favors for people, when I believe that I should be able and willing to do these things without hesitation. And, as much as I believe in concepts like generosity, when it comes down to actually giving things up or giving things away, it becomes difficult for me to act on this value of mine. I struggle with what my heart knows to be true and what my head has ingrained in it as being important. Security is so important to me and having things the way I thought they would be or wanted them to be is so critical that I find myself fighting not to give those things up, even though I know it's a battle I've already lost. I have to find ways to say "yes" to people and do favors without hesitation, dread or regret. I must work to let go of fears about things not turning out the way I hoped or imagined. I know this will be a lifelong battle, but if I don't figure out how to deal effectively with disappointment and loss I will never be able to live as freely and lovingly as I want to in this world. No false sense of security can be worth never really living, right?