It never ceases to amaze me how much I am a product of my own worldview. Today, I got a phone call from my undergraduate university saying that some administrative tasks fell through so that even though I completed all the work for my TESOL certificate, I was never registered for the last class and therefore never paid, never got credit and was never officially awarded the certificate. What this appears to amount to is an extra bill left over from my undergraduate education. And, thinking about it, it just made me so upset. It was frustrating just to think that I don't even have the money in my bank account to pay an extra thousand dollars for some left over credit mix up. Sometimes, what I perceive as being unjust costs just send me over the edge. Whether it's a cell phone bill, a misprocessed health insurance claim, a parking ticket in DC, or credits I never officially registered for, it just overwhelms me. It's almost like if these small things in life can't go smoothly, what can?
I'm not a fighter. I've never considered myself a fighter. I have always kind of imagined that faced with a significant survival task where only a few people live, I would not be one of those left when it's all said and done. I don't know why. It's just a feeling I have about myself. I have more of a martyr in me. I like to treat others fairly and I like to be treated fairly and, when it comes to this nation of laws and rules and subtext that I don't happen to get the memo on, I just feel like I get screwed over more often than not.
At the same time, I have to realize what a privilege it is to be fretting about school loans, rather than what I'm going to eat tomorrow. How blessed I am to be able to go out for an ice cream sundae with a girlfriend, go shopping whenever I want, wherever I want, worship according to my faith every Sunday... Yes, we all experience what feel like small "injustices" in our lives. Even when we look around and think no one else has to deal with this crap, everyone has their battles.... As overwhelming as life is to me sometimes with all its subtext that I don't read for one reason or another, my battles don't even begin to test the resilience of the human spirit and what we, as human beings, are really capable of...
I asked Juan Carlos tonight if we could just escape to Mexico and get away from it all and he said, "oh Janelle, I know this beautiful country is frustrating with all its rules and laws and paperwork, but well, that's just how it is. We're young. We have to be strong and just keep going through life." I feel so emotional right now anyway and hearing him say that just made me want to cry. All that he's been through, all the reasons he could hate this country and, through it all, he can recognize our privilege in being here and say "this beautiful country." I haven't heard that about the United States in such a long time. It was so needed- to be satisfied for even just a moment with where I am.
Then I talked to my mom and she reminded me everything would be ok. "We'll do what we have to do." And she shared the new saying she has hanging on her mirror, "Those who anger you control you." As an exercise in gratitude, I am thankful for the phone calls about unpaid undergraduate credits because they remind me how lucky I have been to go to college, to learn all the things I did, to study in other countries and experience all I have. I am thankful for the phone calls that lead me to rely on support from those who love me because it is only in these vulnerable moments, when I don't feel strong, when I need, that I can understand how critical other people are to me in my life and why God gave us one another.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Doing My Part
I just got back from watching the last half of "The Corporation" and having a two hour long discussion about it. There have been so many discussions on campus this year about capitalism and power and privilege and democracy and how all these things fit together in society. I wish I had the stamina of some of my classmates to read more and delve into these issues more deeply.
Being Catholic, the concept that material wealth isn't the point of life and that we need to live in love of one another and in community isn't a foreign one. I've grown up hearing all my life how we need to live in the world and yet not be of the world. I wonder how many Americans would really say their values lie in being consumers or being materialist. And, at the same time, where do my actions line up with my values? We talked tonight a little bit about fake wants- all the things we're told we want but don't actually desire. I think these really haunt me. I find myself "wanting" things all the time that might make me happy for a moment or a day or a week but that I know won't give me true peace when it's all said and done.
Yet, I really really desire things of this world. I want to have money to take vacations with my family and go out for a coffee with my girlfriends, and have a nice, comfortable home and maybe even get Juan Carlos that nice truck he's always dreamed of having. Is that selfish? Sometimes, I find it so difficult to be a conscientious person in this world- always thinking about whether to buy and what to buy and who it's affecting and how to live responsibly, when, at the end of the day, I just want to be able to go to a job I enjoy and come home to people I love and who love me, who I can laugh with and cry with and navigate through life with. All I want is security and love. But is this falling into the American trap of apathy? What about everyone else in this country and all over the world who only want security and love for themselves and their families too? When my security is built on the instability of their country or the exploitation of them for their labor, what do I do?
I talked tonight about sacrifices- about how real change can only come about when people are ready to give some things up for something else that's better. When we can give up drinking beverages like Coke (that kill union leaders, privatize water, and cause entire populations to be dependent on their beverage in spite of its incredibly negative impact on human health) to force Coke to change or to go out of business because of their actions, then we can start to have a real impact. However, when it comes down to it, most people like Coke. They appreciate the freedom to buy it and drink it when they want and they don't want to give that up. It doesn't necessarily occur to them that others don't have the choice to drink pure water, or if it does, it's irrelevant. Ultimately, they want to drink Coke and they will, regardless of the connections we can draw for them.
I realize that people having choices is God's intention for humanity. We have free will so that we can find true freedom in making choices that lead us closer to God, closer to Truth, to Life, to Peace, and to who we are really intended to be. But all this free will sure makes it difficult to go against the tide if that's what I think I have to do to live as God wants. And, sometimes, it makes it hard to know what God even does really want. I don't really know if He wants me to try to save money to buy a home so I can use it to host others and save resources for later on or to live in a tent city in solidarity with the homeless. My conclusion for tonight is that people are called to different walks of life and whatever you do you need to be at peace doing it, because, if you're not, you'll never do it effectively. I really think the best difference I can make right now is in contributing to creating community around me, talking to others, learning from others and showing others how we can all be more active in creating the kind of world we want to live in. I need to work from where I am- in my own backyard, in the social circles I'm with. I know my calling could change, but I really think, that for now, this is where I can have the biggest impact. I leave you with a couple thoughts from one of my favorite leaders and role models, Mother Teresa of Calcutta.
"Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person. "
"I want you to be concerned about your next door neighbor. Do you know your next door neighbor?"
"Love begins by taking care of the closest ones - the ones at home."
Being Catholic, the concept that material wealth isn't the point of life and that we need to live in love of one another and in community isn't a foreign one. I've grown up hearing all my life how we need to live in the world and yet not be of the world. I wonder how many Americans would really say their values lie in being consumers or being materialist. And, at the same time, where do my actions line up with my values? We talked tonight a little bit about fake wants- all the things we're told we want but don't actually desire. I think these really haunt me. I find myself "wanting" things all the time that might make me happy for a moment or a day or a week but that I know won't give me true peace when it's all said and done.
Yet, I really really desire things of this world. I want to have money to take vacations with my family and go out for a coffee with my girlfriends, and have a nice, comfortable home and maybe even get Juan Carlos that nice truck he's always dreamed of having. Is that selfish? Sometimes, I find it so difficult to be a conscientious person in this world- always thinking about whether to buy and what to buy and who it's affecting and how to live responsibly, when, at the end of the day, I just want to be able to go to a job I enjoy and come home to people I love and who love me, who I can laugh with and cry with and navigate through life with. All I want is security and love. But is this falling into the American trap of apathy? What about everyone else in this country and all over the world who only want security and love for themselves and their families too? When my security is built on the instability of their country or the exploitation of them for their labor, what do I do?
I talked tonight about sacrifices- about how real change can only come about when people are ready to give some things up for something else that's better. When we can give up drinking beverages like Coke (that kill union leaders, privatize water, and cause entire populations to be dependent on their beverage in spite of its incredibly negative impact on human health) to force Coke to change or to go out of business because of their actions, then we can start to have a real impact. However, when it comes down to it, most people like Coke. They appreciate the freedom to buy it and drink it when they want and they don't want to give that up. It doesn't necessarily occur to them that others don't have the choice to drink pure water, or if it does, it's irrelevant. Ultimately, they want to drink Coke and they will, regardless of the connections we can draw for them.
I realize that people having choices is God's intention for humanity. We have free will so that we can find true freedom in making choices that lead us closer to God, closer to Truth, to Life, to Peace, and to who we are really intended to be. But all this free will sure makes it difficult to go against the tide if that's what I think I have to do to live as God wants. And, sometimes, it makes it hard to know what God even does really want. I don't really know if He wants me to try to save money to buy a home so I can use it to host others and save resources for later on or to live in a tent city in solidarity with the homeless. My conclusion for tonight is that people are called to different walks of life and whatever you do you need to be at peace doing it, because, if you're not, you'll never do it effectively. I really think the best difference I can make right now is in contributing to creating community around me, talking to others, learning from others and showing others how we can all be more active in creating the kind of world we want to live in. I need to work from where I am- in my own backyard, in the social circles I'm with. I know my calling could change, but I really think, that for now, this is where I can have the biggest impact. I leave you with a couple thoughts from one of my favorite leaders and role models, Mother Teresa of Calcutta.
"Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person. "
"I want you to be concerned about your next door neighbor. Do you know your next door neighbor?"
"Love begins by taking care of the closest ones - the ones at home."
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