Unanswered Prayers

I have always found that the hardest things in my life to let go of are the plans and dreams I have set out for myself. We were once asked at a retreat: "If you could write down everything that you would want to happen in your life and have it all come true or leave the paper blank and leave it to God, what would you do?" I took it seriously and I thought about it so hard. I mean, writing everything down, I could have everything I ever wanted- guaranteed. I could guarantee myself a healthy, loving family and well-behaved children and a secure job, even horses...I could live in a small town, in a nice community where people looked out for each other. I could make my life "perfect" however I would envision that now. And yet, when I looked back on my life even up to that point, I realized that the most amazing things that have ever happened to me or that I ever did were things I never would have written into my "plan." They were the times others surprised me or that I surprised myself, that I did things I never thought I could or would.

And then I knew, as much as I desired to guarantee myself certain securities or even luxuries in life, I would have to leave that paper blank...

There's a song I really like called, "Unanswered Prayers" and I think it means so much to me because of all the times I just haven't even known what I really wanted and I've thought I wanted one thing when really something else was what I wanted or really needed all along.

When Juan Carlos and I first met, he struck me right away because he wasn't interested in impressing me, like most of guys I had met up to that point. If he didn't agree, he made it very clear. Once, when I was talking to him about how sometimes I didn't want to do things but I just did them anyway, he looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Tu eres tan debil" (You are so weak) "Si no quieres hacer ciertas cosas, por que las haces?" (If you don't want to do certain things, then why do you?) I was totally taken aback that anyone would be that direct with me and even harsh, but, oddly, he was just the right person at just the right time in my life to make me think hard about my life and how I could make what I wanted and how I was acting match up a little more closely.

I never would have imagined falling in love with someone like him- we're so different...I can't even tell you how often we argued when we were first going out. I always think it's kind of incredible we stayed together. We had countless misunderstandings because of language issues or cultural values. We had to talk and talk and talk our way through every little thing and really work our way to the heart of every issue. It was always so revealing when we could get past the surface to the feelings that were motivating our comments...when we could begin to understand each other's sense of humor and what to say and not say.

I never would have written this relationship into my "plan" but I think it is the best thing that ever happened to me. I just think of how rich he has made my life, teaching me about the resilience of humanity, challenging my own generosity and sense of community, helping me to love and appreciate my family on a level I probably wouldn't otherwise, showing me the beauty of leading a balanced life- that true love is loving myself and my family and friends and not just forgetting everyone else or myself to be with him. He has shown me the power of committment and loyalty. He has exemplified for me that love is wanting the best for the other person and has demonstrated his love for me time and time again.

Of course, it hasn't always been as easy as it is now and I'm sure the road will be rocky again, but I feel like, because of everything we've been through, we have developed skills to dialog and to listen to understand one another that I just can't imagine I would have otherwise. My challenge now is to apply the same tenents of listening to understand, giving the benefit of the doubt, asking non-provacative questions when I don't understand, and being direct and honest in my communication to situations with everyone else I interact with.

So, once again, my plans are not God's plans, and I am so grateful sometimes for unanswered prayers...or the ones that are answered that I didn't even know I was praying for...