Where I'm At

I am in a strange place right now, where I feel both excitement and anxiety about closing this chapter of my life and entering a new one. It's fascinating to me all the different paths the different people in my life choose to take. At this age, everyone is doing something different, from traveling all over the world to entering the Peace Corps to settling down. Having always had the tendency to compare myself to others, I find myself with mixed feelings about what I feel I should do, what I want to do and where I'm going. I am learning to find security in places unbeknownst to the world. I am trying to find happiness in loving the people in my life and having that be enough for now, knowing that jobs and houses and reservations and marriage plans, and everything else, will all ultimately fall into place.

I found out recently that the job I accepted at CIELO is undergoing some funding changes. Because of anticipated expenses this fall, as well as the loans I need to start paying off, I feel the need to find consistent work. At the same time, I don't want to abandon a community I care about and work my heart calls me to. I felt before like I had so many leads- now I feel I've been put back at square one, wondering where I'll work next, where I'll live, who my friends will be, where I'll find support. I can't know it right now. I can't know any of it. And I hate that part. I'm going home in a couple of weeks, with seemingly nothing to show for my efforts at grad school and hours of job searching. Part of me wants to cry and then another part of me stops it and says I just need to have faith- that sometimes it's not about who you will be when you grow up, but who you are right now. Maybe it's not about tomorrow or the next day or where I'll live or what I'll do in October, but about what I'm doing today, right now.

Right now, all I know is that I'm in love. I'm in love with Juan Carlos and I want to spend my life with him, whatever that means. I'm in love with my family and grateful for their constant love and support, for their reminders that things will be ok. And I'm in love with God and His teaching and His people and His creation. I am so grateful for the gift of life- in all its disappointments and all its surprises that await me. My intention for the rest of my time here is just to be present- to stop thinking so much about tomorrow and the day after that... to stop planning details that will inevitably change and just to find comfort and joy in the connections I make with people, in the conversations, in trying to see and understand others for who they are. It's those moments in life in which we are really truly present that we can learn the most about ourselves and where we really want our lives to take us...