High Expectations

All my life, I seem to have struggled with expectations and disappointment. I have psyched myself out of thinking I got a part in a play or got a job I wanted, with the logic that if I believe I won't get it and I do, I will be happy but if I believe I will and I don't, I will only be disappointed. My sister once told me that optimists live longer and I responded, "maybe, but they are more disappointed when they die."

This has generally been my outlook on things and yet, in spite of all my conscious efforts to try to not have any expectations of other people and the world, I can't seem to let go of it. I see myself as being cynical, when my classmates would peg me for an idealist. Sometimes it would seem as if I set myself up for failure or for disappointment- after all, who could meet all those high expectations I seem to have of myself and others in my life?

Some people have told me I expect too much of people and that is why I am so consistently disappointed. But today, I've decided that the high expectations I hold could also be seen as having a particular faith in people and in what they're capable of. I have been thinking a lot about this cross-culturally with gender roles. I see many women in Juan Carlos's family putting up with what I consider to be unacceptable behavior from their male counterparts (coming home extremely late drunk, or not even bothering to come home all weekend, spending huge portions of their income and time drinking with friends without ever inviting their wives out, expecting the woman to work AND take care of cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. by herself, looking down on a woman going out anywhere if she has a child) And I just wonder what these women must think. So often, they put down other women who try to exert their independence by saying they're sluts or don't know how to behave with their husband, even at times justifying physical abuse. So, to accept this kind of lifestyle, what kinds of expectations must they have grown up with?

Sometimes, I've honestly wished that to not create waves, that to make things easier, I could bring myself to re-shape my expectations, to only hope for a husband who can support us financially and who doesn't hurt me, like so many women in the world. But I can't shake these high expectations that tell me I want so much more than that. I want to be someone's priority, not someone's caretaker. I want to be a partner, not a servant. I want mutual love and humor and affection and humility and service and joy to reign in my home. I think it is a mistake to believe that boys will be boys who grow into men that cheat and act selfishly. It is a mistake to believe that men and women of any background are not capable of rising to the occassion and putting in their part and even finding joy in it. The roles don't have to be exactly the same, but they should be equal- there is no excuse for taking advantage of someone else's love and service.

Maybe for some, I do have high expectations - being able to go out with my girlfriends for a drink, expecting my husband to put in his full 100% effort to contribute to our marriage and help in the house and work full time and have a good attitude about it ; ), of myself working in a job I love and of being a wife and a mother. I dream of and expect stability and security, adventure and the unknown. There are birds that are seemingly content to be caged in, but there are others who need to fly- my expectation is the latter. For myself and for my future spouse, I have high expectations, and regardless of whether they will occassionally lead to disappointment, I recognize that I and anyone I choose to be with are certainly capable of living a life to meet those expectations. I'll take the risk of disappointment over the certainty of unfulfillment, were I to lower them in any way.