It finally happened. Juan Carlos took me for a long walk to a non-existent river on a very hot summer afternoon two days ago, promising a refreshing swim. After about an hour and a half of walking in our flip-flops carrying towels, he realized the last time he arrived at the river by this path was when he and some friends rode their bikes (which, needless to say would take them much farther in much less time) Ultimately, we decided to head back to the car and drive to the river, but we had a great talk along the way. We found a secret area by the river where we could be alone to go swimming. After we had both braved the freezing cold water for a few minutes, Juan Carlos got a surprised/concerned look on his face and looked behind him. There was what appeared to be a piece of plastic floating in the water behind him. I asked him if it was his because it wasn't mine and he was like, "oh yeah.." and put it back in his pocket. I thought it was strange but I was glad he didn't want to litter...
Then, he started saying a lot of really nice things and just telling me he loved me again and again, but it seemed like he wanted to say something else. After a little while longer, I started to get cold and suggested we go. He said, "Sure, but first I just want to say I love you with all my heart and will you marry me?" (and he pulled out the soggy cardboard wrapped box with the ring inside!! ) He tore apart the soggy cardboard and pried open the box, trying to be sure the ring didn't fall into the water. The ring was gorgeous and perfect and I said, "Yes, a thousand times yes! (in Spanish)" and we hugged and kissed. Then I asked him, "Was that what went floating down the river?" He said, "Yeah, I went to take it out of my pocket and it wasn't there. All I could think was now, where am I going to find it? I was so lucky it was just floating behind me." And we both got a good laugh out of it- a classic romantic comedy.
Now, I could not be happier. Juan Carlos has shown me throughout our time together, and especially recently that he really does take into consideration what's important to me, that he's willing to compromise, that he truly loves me and that I can trust him to take care of me. I feel so fortunate to be promised to such an incredible man. He is so handsome and smart- so responsible and generous- so patient and grounded. He respects me, my opinion and my desires, he supports me in all my various pursuits and passions, and he prioritizes my well-being and the health of our relationship.
I believe that more than anything, getting married is a committment and a choice to spend the rest of your life with someone, through the difficult times and through the joys, through whatever twists and turns life throws at you. You're choosing a partner- the person you want to wake up to every day, the person you want to serve, the one you want to raise children with and laugh with and cry with and face life with. Juan Carlos is so strong- he is a pillar for me in my life. He has been through so much in his own life that he understands human resilience. He knows what we can make it through. Where others might break down or give up, he fights. He understands the importance of relationships and of generosity and he constantly pushes me to live out my faith more sincerely by giving more freely. He values time with family and he looks so forward to being father himself. He loves children- he is playful and funny and I know we will always have plenty of laughter in our home!
I feel a little sad that most of my family still can't know him very well because of language barriers, but God-willing, we have a whole lifetime together for Juan Carlos and my family to get to know each other too. I am happy and hopeful about the future and I hope that those I love can try to see what I see in him and be happy for me too!
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Saturday, June 23, 2007
High Expectations
All my life, I seem to have struggled with expectations and disappointment. I have psyched myself out of thinking I got a part in a play or got a job I wanted, with the logic that if I believe I won't get it and I do, I will be happy but if I believe I will and I don't, I will only be disappointed. My sister once told me that optimists live longer and I responded, "maybe, but they are more disappointed when they die."
This has generally been my outlook on things and yet, in spite of all my conscious efforts to try to not have any expectations of other people and the world, I can't seem to let go of it. I see myself as being cynical, when my classmates would peg me for an idealist. Sometimes it would seem as if I set myself up for failure or for disappointment- after all, who could meet all those high expectations I seem to have of myself and others in my life?
Some people have told me I expect too much of people and that is why I am so consistently disappointed. But today, I've decided that the high expectations I hold could also be seen as having a particular faith in people and in what they're capable of. I have been thinking a lot about this cross-culturally with gender roles. I see many women in Juan Carlos's family putting up with what I consider to be unacceptable behavior from their male counterparts (coming home extremely late drunk, or not even bothering to come home all weekend, spending huge portions of their income and time drinking with friends without ever inviting their wives out, expecting the woman to work AND take care of cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. by herself, looking down on a woman going out anywhere if she has a child) And I just wonder what these women must think. So often, they put down other women who try to exert their independence by saying they're sluts or don't know how to behave with their husband, even at times justifying physical abuse. So, to accept this kind of lifestyle, what kinds of expectations must they have grown up with?
Sometimes, I've honestly wished that to not create waves, that to make things easier, I could bring myself to re-shape my expectations, to only hope for a husband who can support us financially and who doesn't hurt me, like so many women in the world. But I can't shake these high expectations that tell me I want so much more than that. I want to be someone's priority, not someone's caretaker. I want to be a partner, not a servant. I want mutual love and humor and affection and humility and service and joy to reign in my home. I think it is a mistake to believe that boys will be boys who grow into men that cheat and act selfishly. It is a mistake to believe that men and women of any background are not capable of rising to the occassion and putting in their part and even finding joy in it. The roles don't have to be exactly the same, but they should be equal- there is no excuse for taking advantage of someone else's love and service.
Maybe for some, I do have high expectations - being able to go out with my girlfriends for a drink, expecting my husband to put in his full 100% effort to contribute to our marriage and help in the house and work full time and have a good attitude about it ; ), of myself working in a job I love and of being a wife and a mother. I dream of and expect stability and security, adventure and the unknown. There are birds that are seemingly content to be caged in, but there are others who need to fly- my expectation is the latter. For myself and for my future spouse, I have high expectations, and regardless of whether they will occassionally lead to disappointment, I recognize that I and anyone I choose to be with are certainly capable of living a life to meet those expectations. I'll take the risk of disappointment over the certainty of unfulfillment, were I to lower them in any way.
This has generally been my outlook on things and yet, in spite of all my conscious efforts to try to not have any expectations of other people and the world, I can't seem to let go of it. I see myself as being cynical, when my classmates would peg me for an idealist. Sometimes it would seem as if I set myself up for failure or for disappointment- after all, who could meet all those high expectations I seem to have of myself and others in my life?
Some people have told me I expect too much of people and that is why I am so consistently disappointed. But today, I've decided that the high expectations I hold could also be seen as having a particular faith in people and in what they're capable of. I have been thinking a lot about this cross-culturally with gender roles. I see many women in Juan Carlos's family putting up with what I consider to be unacceptable behavior from their male counterparts (coming home extremely late drunk, or not even bothering to come home all weekend, spending huge portions of their income and time drinking with friends without ever inviting their wives out, expecting the woman to work AND take care of cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. by herself, looking down on a woman going out anywhere if she has a child) And I just wonder what these women must think. So often, they put down other women who try to exert their independence by saying they're sluts or don't know how to behave with their husband, even at times justifying physical abuse. So, to accept this kind of lifestyle, what kinds of expectations must they have grown up with?
Sometimes, I've honestly wished that to not create waves, that to make things easier, I could bring myself to re-shape my expectations, to only hope for a husband who can support us financially and who doesn't hurt me, like so many women in the world. But I can't shake these high expectations that tell me I want so much more than that. I want to be someone's priority, not someone's caretaker. I want to be a partner, not a servant. I want mutual love and humor and affection and humility and service and joy to reign in my home. I think it is a mistake to believe that boys will be boys who grow into men that cheat and act selfishly. It is a mistake to believe that men and women of any background are not capable of rising to the occassion and putting in their part and even finding joy in it. The roles don't have to be exactly the same, but they should be equal- there is no excuse for taking advantage of someone else's love and service.
Maybe for some, I do have high expectations - being able to go out with my girlfriends for a drink, expecting my husband to put in his full 100% effort to contribute to our marriage and help in the house and work full time and have a good attitude about it ; ), of myself working in a job I love and of being a wife and a mother. I dream of and expect stability and security, adventure and the unknown. There are birds that are seemingly content to be caged in, but there are others who need to fly- my expectation is the latter. For myself and for my future spouse, I have high expectations, and regardless of whether they will occassionally lead to disappointment, I recognize that I and anyone I choose to be with are certainly capable of living a life to meet those expectations. I'll take the risk of disappointment over the certainty of unfulfillment, were I to lower them in any way.
Monday, June 4, 2007
Immigration
Immigration Raid in Shelton Apartments and nearby mobile home park at six in the morning last Thursday. Coincidentally, (??) the raid followed a visit by the Washington State Human Rights Commission where a Latino man spoke of the abuse of the manager at some local apartments (getting drunk, entering tenants homes, throwing their things around the house and actually beating tenants up) Most of the tenants worked in harvesting salal (sometimes better known as brush) and the harvesting season came to an end a couple of weeks ago. Although ICE officials claim there was no connection, it's hard to be sure. At least 17 people were taken from their families and detained.
Today I read an editorial saying that the answer to our immigration problems is to make immigrants serve in the military for 4 years and learn English before allowing them to have legal status. According to the writer, "This would be only for those who cannot legally immigrate here." I cannot even begin to express how much this argument and this mentality disappoints me. Making people desperate for an opportunity at a better life in this country risk their lives and die in the unjust wars this country fights? That sounds like another chance for sheer exploitation in the name of "national interests."
I was telling my mom last night, "I just wish people could realize how important immigrants are to this country." She said, "Or at least how human- that would be a start." Exactly. I fall into all the ridiculous arguments for justifying immigration in this country as much as our politicians do or anyone else. Once again we are trying to validate and rank the value of human life. "Since immigrants take jobs no one else wants, they should be able to come here. Since immigrants work longer hours for less pay, they should be able to come here. Since immigrants contribute to the economy, they should be able to come here." Nevermind that immigrants are PEOPLE and based on only that fact and our faith that God will provide through our choice to SHARE the abundance we were FORTUNATE enough to be born into in this country, immigrants should be allowed to come here. People do not deserve opportunities or LIFE more just because they are more productive. This is the faulty logic of our world and our society. What did we do to be born in the United States? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!! Maybe our parents immigrated here or our grandparents and maybe they suffered terribly because of their "newcomer" status or maybe they didn't. Maybe our families have had the fortune to be here nearly since the country was founded. Ok, but to say that our wealth in this country has been created independently of everyone else in the world and therefore we are entitled to it and anyone born outside our borders has to "earn" access or even to say that we as individuals living in 2007 did much of anything to have the opportunities that are available to those residing legally in this country is completely unfounded. Immigrants did nothing more or less to be born into a corrupt, poverty ridden situation than I did to be born into a hardworking and ultimately well-off middle class family in the United States. It just happened. Now, it's about what I do with it. I can feel threatened that immigrants will come and take my job or pull down wages or use all my taxes on their medical bills or I can look and say, "How blessed I am to have these opportunities- what can I do to share those with other people? How can I help others to get as much education as I've had so they can contribute to the field that I've studied or others have studied? How can I share what I've learned and learn from them so all our lives can be enhanced?" When will we start to see people as assets rather than threats to our own security and well-being?
Yes, there are people who make bad choices- always have been and always will be and regardless of immigration laws, they will reside in our country and in countries all around the world ALWAYS. They need to see love more than anyone. As for the majority, we all want to make what we can of our lives. We want to provide for our families, feel proud of our work, spend time with loved ones. I'm sick of political games and compromises that take out the heart of the human experience. Who cares if it is amnesty? What does one immigrant's opportunity take away from YOU? You have had opportunities and you continue to have opportunities. Their only "crime" is seeking a better life. Now, if they rob or hurt someone once they are inside the country, they should go through the court system and serve their sentence just like everyone else. But risking your life just for an OPPORTUNITY- a CHANCE at a better life- how is that a crime? How is that something that deserves a sentence? That is just human- it is what any of us would do if our families were hungry and we were barely making it day to day. Having to leave your family and country and all that you love that is familiar to you seems like plenty serious a sentence to me either way, regardless of whether we see it as a crime or not.
I know I can never convince our politicians on this- I will never be able to help them see the importance of valuing all human life, regardless of where people are born, what they look like or what language they speak. I probably can't even convince most Americans. But this really is the heart of the issue. It's about people. It's about Juan Carlos and me being able to safely visit his family in Nayarit and safely return because we are two people who love each other and who want the opportunity to live in the United States (near my family and his brothers) and yet maintain the connection to his homeland. How does us having that ability, which would make a world of difference for us, really threaten anyone else?
It doesn't. Yet, people are so obsessed with laws and rules and our system of punishment to see that sometimes the rules don't make sense and sometimes the system is flawed. They forget the days when there were laws that people with black colored skin could not enter a restroom labeled "white only." They forget the days when detainment, persecution and mass murdering of Jews in the Holocaust was essentially the "rule." How many times do we have to go blind and stop seeing PEOPLE as PEOPLE for us to finally understand there are rules above the law. There are things more important than the SYSTEM and places more desirable to be than the UNITED STATES.
You see, God created the world, not countries. God created people in all their wonderful diversity, but he didn't create a color library to distinguish them from one another. God said LOVE ONE ANOTHER, not "make sure you have national security and maintain your economic advantage at all times." LOVE DOES NOT ENVY (they will take our jobs) IT IS NOT POMPOUS (they have to learn English because that is our language), IT DOES NOT SEEK ITS OWN INTERESTS ( we need national security for our country, they will spend my tax dollars) Love never fails. If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing; if tongues, they will cease; if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing. For we know partially and we prophesy partially but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away... So faith, hope and love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love. 1 Cor 13: 4-10
I await the day when LOVE really IS the law we all abide by- when we care more about what is RIGHT than what is LEGAL, when we understand all human life as deserving of food, water, shelter, clothing, love, health care, due process, freedom, a voice and economic opportunity.
There was another community meeting on legal rights in Shelton. Three out of an expected 75 people showed up. Everyone is scared. Not just the immigrants, but those that called ICE in, those that call our representatives with hateful messages about immigrants every day, those that "hunt" immigrants in the Arizona deserts. My question is "what are we scared of?"
I don't believe that hate is the opposite of love- I believe that FEAR is the opposite of love and it is really fear that breeds hate. It is fear that stops us from doing what we should- fear that if we give too much, we'll lose our own security. Fear that if we let too many in, there won't be enough for us anymore. Fear that if we love too deeply or too naively, we will be the ones that get hurt in the end. So we put up our walls and our fences and shut off our hearts and refuse to live fully, because we are just too scared. Read the warm fuzzy story. Read the Bible. Over and over again- Do not be afraid. Warm fuzzies don't run out. Generosity will not leave us destitute and love never fails. What is it about fear that we cling to?
My new prayer is that God take away my fear so I can love more fully. Fear touches me too. Fear that I could go to jail for protecting undocumented immigrants, fear that people I know will reject the work I do, fear that I won't be understood or appreciated, fear that those I want to help or love will betray me by making decisions I don't agree with, but I can't let those fears stop me from doing what I know is right. Throughout human history, great people have gone to jail for doing the right thing. Regardless of what happens, or what I have to suffer, I know God won't leave me. I know that my life will always be better for having risked my own safety and well- being on a chance to love. May God bless the people of this country, the immigrants who come to make their lives here and people living in fear all around the world. That the real threats to their lives and well-being may dissolve and that the perceived threats be recognized and conquered through making a decision to love instead.
Today I read an editorial saying that the answer to our immigration problems is to make immigrants serve in the military for 4 years and learn English before allowing them to have legal status. According to the writer, "This would be only for those who cannot legally immigrate here." I cannot even begin to express how much this argument and this mentality disappoints me. Making people desperate for an opportunity at a better life in this country risk their lives and die in the unjust wars this country fights? That sounds like another chance for sheer exploitation in the name of "national interests."
I was telling my mom last night, "I just wish people could realize how important immigrants are to this country." She said, "Or at least how human- that would be a start." Exactly. I fall into all the ridiculous arguments for justifying immigration in this country as much as our politicians do or anyone else. Once again we are trying to validate and rank the value of human life. "Since immigrants take jobs no one else wants, they should be able to come here. Since immigrants work longer hours for less pay, they should be able to come here. Since immigrants contribute to the economy, they should be able to come here." Nevermind that immigrants are PEOPLE and based on only that fact and our faith that God will provide through our choice to SHARE the abundance we were FORTUNATE enough to be born into in this country, immigrants should be allowed to come here. People do not deserve opportunities or LIFE more just because they are more productive. This is the faulty logic of our world and our society. What did we do to be born in the United States? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!! Maybe our parents immigrated here or our grandparents and maybe they suffered terribly because of their "newcomer" status or maybe they didn't. Maybe our families have had the fortune to be here nearly since the country was founded. Ok, but to say that our wealth in this country has been created independently of everyone else in the world and therefore we are entitled to it and anyone born outside our borders has to "earn" access or even to say that we as individuals living in 2007 did much of anything to have the opportunities that are available to those residing legally in this country is completely unfounded. Immigrants did nothing more or less to be born into a corrupt, poverty ridden situation than I did to be born into a hardworking and ultimately well-off middle class family in the United States. It just happened. Now, it's about what I do with it. I can feel threatened that immigrants will come and take my job or pull down wages or use all my taxes on their medical bills or I can look and say, "How blessed I am to have these opportunities- what can I do to share those with other people? How can I help others to get as much education as I've had so they can contribute to the field that I've studied or others have studied? How can I share what I've learned and learn from them so all our lives can be enhanced?" When will we start to see people as assets rather than threats to our own security and well-being?
Yes, there are people who make bad choices- always have been and always will be and regardless of immigration laws, they will reside in our country and in countries all around the world ALWAYS. They need to see love more than anyone. As for the majority, we all want to make what we can of our lives. We want to provide for our families, feel proud of our work, spend time with loved ones. I'm sick of political games and compromises that take out the heart of the human experience. Who cares if it is amnesty? What does one immigrant's opportunity take away from YOU? You have had opportunities and you continue to have opportunities. Their only "crime" is seeking a better life. Now, if they rob or hurt someone once they are inside the country, they should go through the court system and serve their sentence just like everyone else. But risking your life just for an OPPORTUNITY- a CHANCE at a better life- how is that a crime? How is that something that deserves a sentence? That is just human- it is what any of us would do if our families were hungry and we were barely making it day to day. Having to leave your family and country and all that you love that is familiar to you seems like plenty serious a sentence to me either way, regardless of whether we see it as a crime or not.
I know I can never convince our politicians on this- I will never be able to help them see the importance of valuing all human life, regardless of where people are born, what they look like or what language they speak. I probably can't even convince most Americans. But this really is the heart of the issue. It's about people. It's about Juan Carlos and me being able to safely visit his family in Nayarit and safely return because we are two people who love each other and who want the opportunity to live in the United States (near my family and his brothers) and yet maintain the connection to his homeland. How does us having that ability, which would make a world of difference for us, really threaten anyone else?
It doesn't. Yet, people are so obsessed with laws and rules and our system of punishment to see that sometimes the rules don't make sense and sometimes the system is flawed. They forget the days when there were laws that people with black colored skin could not enter a restroom labeled "white only." They forget the days when detainment, persecution and mass murdering of Jews in the Holocaust was essentially the "rule." How many times do we have to go blind and stop seeing PEOPLE as PEOPLE for us to finally understand there are rules above the law. There are things more important than the SYSTEM and places more desirable to be than the UNITED STATES.
You see, God created the world, not countries. God created people in all their wonderful diversity, but he didn't create a color library to distinguish them from one another. God said LOVE ONE ANOTHER, not "make sure you have national security and maintain your economic advantage at all times." LOVE DOES NOT ENVY (they will take our jobs) IT IS NOT POMPOUS (they have to learn English because that is our language), IT DOES NOT SEEK ITS OWN INTERESTS ( we need national security for our country, they will spend my tax dollars) Love never fails. If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing; if tongues, they will cease; if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing. For we know partially and we prophesy partially but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away... So faith, hope and love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love. 1 Cor 13: 4-10
I await the day when LOVE really IS the law we all abide by- when we care more about what is RIGHT than what is LEGAL, when we understand all human life as deserving of food, water, shelter, clothing, love, health care, due process, freedom, a voice and economic opportunity.
There was another community meeting on legal rights in Shelton. Three out of an expected 75 people showed up. Everyone is scared. Not just the immigrants, but those that called ICE in, those that call our representatives with hateful messages about immigrants every day, those that "hunt" immigrants in the Arizona deserts. My question is "what are we scared of?"
I don't believe that hate is the opposite of love- I believe that FEAR is the opposite of love and it is really fear that breeds hate. It is fear that stops us from doing what we should- fear that if we give too much, we'll lose our own security. Fear that if we let too many in, there won't be enough for us anymore. Fear that if we love too deeply or too naively, we will be the ones that get hurt in the end. So we put up our walls and our fences and shut off our hearts and refuse to live fully, because we are just too scared. Read the warm fuzzy story. Read the Bible. Over and over again- Do not be afraid. Warm fuzzies don't run out. Generosity will not leave us destitute and love never fails. What is it about fear that we cling to?
My new prayer is that God take away my fear so I can love more fully. Fear touches me too. Fear that I could go to jail for protecting undocumented immigrants, fear that people I know will reject the work I do, fear that I won't be understood or appreciated, fear that those I want to help or love will betray me by making decisions I don't agree with, but I can't let those fears stop me from doing what I know is right. Throughout human history, great people have gone to jail for doing the right thing. Regardless of what happens, or what I have to suffer, I know God won't leave me. I know that my life will always be better for having risked my own safety and well- being on a chance to love. May God bless the people of this country, the immigrants who come to make their lives here and people living in fear all around the world. That the real threats to their lives and well-being may dissolve and that the perceived threats be recognized and conquered through making a decision to love instead.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
