Reflections in the midst of chaos

With less than two weeks to go before Juan Carlos and I commit our lives to each other, I have had enough emotional breakdowns lately to call me into a little bit of reflection tonight. Sometimes I think about when we thought of getting married in a small chapel with only our immediate families there and how much easier that would have been. I am feeling the burden of abundance in some ways with this wedding. It's so easy in planning an event this large to get caught up in how things are going to look and who is going to think what- how to please all people and cater to all cultures, how to keep it organized and loose, planned and spontaneous, how to make all the little pieces fit just so. With the best of intentions, I tell myself, I just want it all to work out. I just want everyone to be happy. But I remember in moments like these that happiness is not a seamless performance when everything goes just right. Happiness is when you realize how much people care about you because they step in when something starts to fall apart. It's the last minute trip to the store because you didn't get enough ice. It's your sisters convincing you that you're beautiful even when your hair looks like crap. It's a hug at the end of a hard day full of unmet expectations reminding you everything is going to be ok- that life goes on and so does love and, in the end, that's more important than the food and the punch and the decorations. In the end, that's really what happiness is all about.

It's so easy to forget but so important to remember that what makes me feel most fulfilled and joyful about the planning of this whole wedding is not the gorgeous dress or the great food or the personal touches here and there, but how loved I feel seeing all the effort loved ones have put in to make this happen. The real perfection lies not in having something "just so" but rather in the fact that I am so fortunate to be cared for enough to have any of it at all. In these final days of planning and preparation, I will try to focus more than anything on my gratitude for all the love in my life. After all, that's really what this sacrament is meant to help me and everyone else realize is that a committment to love through the unexpected, through the difficult is unsurpassable, for this kind of decision moves from that which is human to the divine.

Little by little

So, I just finished with my first week at my new job. It was a little overwhelming, but I have already learned a lot and I'm excited about that. Monday, I start a new program with church called JustFaith. It requires a lot of reading and a pretty big committment. We are going to be learning and talking about Catholic Social Teaching. From the readings so far, I think it will be challenging for me and help me grow a lot spiritually. I really want to make it a priority and keep up with it this coming year. In two weeks classes start again at CIELO and I am supposed to be writing lesson plans for that too until they can find a replacement. I really don't know how long I'll be able to handle it though. It will be about 15 hours on top of my already 40 hour a week job...we'll see. Otherwise, I'm trying to pull wedding plans together the best I can. Little by little we are getting invitations addressed and mailed out, decorations purchased and last minute services booked. It's going to be a pretty full day and night, so we'll have to be extra organized, but I'm really excited! I can't believe it's all finally coming together. My challenges right now are just letting things go when they don't go as planned, laughing off mistakes and unexpected issues and just trying to have a good time with all this. Everyone tells me it's such a memorable time in life, you just really have to appreciate each moment, so that's what I'm trying to do. Little by little. That has been the theme of my life lately. Once, when I was first going to study abroad, I started crying because I was so overwhelmed that I would be away for so long and my sister looked and me and said, little by little, Janelle. In this moment, you're not going away for 4 months. You're just getting your bags checked. Then, you just have to get on the plane, then you just have to get off. Her advice helped me to appreciate the whole experience so much more. I couldn't think of it all at once. I just had to take in and act in the present moment, as it came. Now, too, moment by moment, task by task, piece by piece life is changing, falling apart, coming together differently. I have today, right now-and that's all I really have to decide about, affect, and change. Little by little I'm learning to let go of what I most want to hold onto. I'm constantly reminded of what is really important- not colors and centerpieces but compassion and compromise.

So Blessed!

Well, this week has brought with it some more changes for Juan Carlos and me. I was offered a new job at Pierce College working as the International Program Coordinator, which will be great because it fits in perfectly with my degree, so I can use it for my practicum and finish my degree by May or July. Plus I get to do student advising, as well as learn about international student admissions and plan activities, so it should be a lot of fun. I just found out today I get my own big office too, with a window and a rocking chair, which is just really exciting all in itself!! I'm so happy. Plus, as if that weren't enough, Juan Carlos and I finally found a home we want to rent for the next year. It's beautiful, in a great location and it's cozy, yet spacious enough to entertain every once in awhile, which was important to us. I think we'll learn a lot about what's involved in having a home over the next year too, so we can be more educated when we are finally able to purchase one. I just feel overjoyed and so so blessed! At the beginning of this week, I was starting to get so stressed out about the job situation and where we were going to live. Juan Carlos and I prayed about it and the next day, everything started to magically fall into place. I wasn't expecting that at all. It's as if God just wanted to remind me that everything really will work out if we just trust him. What an exciting and amazing time in life- I just want to soak in every moment of it.