Vulnerability and Seeking Peace

The more I read in the news about different situations overseas and now this tragedy with Virginia Tech right in our backyard, I really feel the need to pause for a moment and just take in what a gift life really is. In spite of endless rainy weather, stressful group work, pointless assignments or any other reasons I would rather just stay curled up in bed and sleep through the day, I am really reminded of what a gift it is to have today- to be able to breathe and move and think and act freely. I can't find the original email I read, but I leave you with this reflection since it has the same idea.

To be Thankful For......
.....the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends.....the taxes I pay because it means that I'm employed.....the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.....a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.....all the complaining I hear about our government because it means we have freedom of speech......the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking.....my huge heating bill because it means I am warm......the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear.....the piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear......weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been able to have an active day.....the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I'm alive...

Trying Tofu

I know it must seem like I am losing my source of profound things to talk about if I am now going to tell you about how I tried Tofu for the first time tonight, but just stick with me here. Recently, since being diagnosed with hypothyroidism, I have been trying to be more concientious about what I eat and what I do with my body. Though I have to say that there are times when I haven't done such a great job, I have pretty much given up coffee and I am trying to do regular exercise and eat more vegetables. It is incredible to me how these very small things, starting with not drinking as much coffee, have helped me to completely change my own image of myself.

I have started to think of myself as a healthy person for the first time since I stopped playing soccer in high school. And deciding to try one little thing at a time has made it fairly manageable. But the thing is that I had to try things that I thought I wouldn't like to find out that I actually did. Yoga, for example, was always an exercise I had a very strange image of. I thought you had to balance a lot and twist your body in crazy ways. I never thought I would be able to do it, much less like it. Come to find out it is challenging, strength building, and yet very relaxing at the same time. Now, I actually desire to stretch my body after sitting for long periods of time. Kickboxing is still a big stretch for me but I'm proud of myself just for going and trying. I can't always keep up, I'm not coordinated enough to do all the kicks and different moves, but still, I feel proud of myself just for doing something active with my body. And the exercise makes me want to take care of myself with what I eat too.

So, today, after doing Yoga, an exercise I never thought I would enjoy, I tried Tofu for the first time, a food I never thought I would enjoy and low and behold, it actually isn't too bad. I just discovered a new great source of protein to add to my diet. Ever since studying abroad, I learn over and over the ways that trying things I never did before can change my whole perspective on the world, or, in this case, on myself. And I also strive to remember the importance of taking care of myself in this life and being the kind of person I really want to be, even if it takes a little more effort. My mom used to have this quote hanging up on the fridge from a popular song:

"This is your life. Are you who you want to be?"

It helps to reflect on that every once in awhile and remember that it's never too late to change and become more of who we really are...

A General Update

So sorry to those of you who have been checking regularly to see what I'm up to and have found nothing the past couple weeks. It appears I took an extra long spring break. : ) Going home over the break was really wonderful- truly energizing and reaffirming. I felt very supported and very loved by everyone in my life, which is a gift I need to constantly remind myself not to take for granted. I spent a significant amount of time trying to further my job/practicum search to finish up with my masters and trying to remind Juan Carlos of all the reasons it really would be worth going through a wedding ceremony to marry me (even if he thinks it's "embarassing"). : ) I think I'm making progress on both ends.

I took a job today with CIELO Project, which is a non-profit organization in Olympia, WA that does a lot of programming for the Latino population in the area, including parenting classes, individual and family counseling, and, of course, ESL classes. I will be coordinating the ESL curriculum, which I am really excited about, since it will give me the opportunity to be creative and find ways to make language learning especially relevant and empowering to the students who come to CIELO. I have a lot of research and work ahead of me, but it will be great to establish that community and be able to do something I can feel really proud of and good about. The job is only part time so I am still looking for something (hopefully with benefits) to fill in the rest of my schedule, but I have faith that God will show me where I need to be when I need to be there.

Meanwhile, I am just trying to wrap my head around this whole concept of adulthood and what that really means and whether I can do it. Sometimes I feel like the only way I am going to make it through the mess of full work days, endless bills, finding somewhere to live, taking care of the house, cooking, cleaning, deciphering confusing paperwork about loans and mortgages and words I can't pronounce when I get out of school is if I just don't think about it too much. It all seems so overwhelming and impossible and exhausting. I just don't understand how people do it all over and over again every day...

I am also struggling a lot with my own hypocrisy, where I have a tendency to react to certain situations in a way that is not in line with my beliefs. For example, sometimes I find it so difficult to do simple favors for people, when I believe that I should be able and willing to do these things without hesitation. And, as much as I believe in concepts like generosity, when it comes down to actually giving things up or giving things away, it becomes difficult for me to act on this value of mine. I struggle with what my heart knows to be true and what my head has ingrained in it as being important. Security is so important to me and having things the way I thought they would be or wanted them to be is so critical that I find myself fighting not to give those things up, even though I know it's a battle I've already lost. I have to find ways to say "yes" to people and do favors without hesitation, dread or regret. I must work to let go of fears about things not turning out the way I hoped or imagined. I know this will be a lifelong battle, but if I don't figure out how to deal effectively with disappointment and loss I will never be able to live as freely and lovingly as I want to in this world. No false sense of security can be worth never really living, right?