To Be Continued...

Since I barely keep up with one blog, I think it would be unreasonable to try to manage two- please visit Juan Carlos and I at www.jandjcgarcia.blogspot.com. The journey continues... Thanks!

What you love

We have been talking about a variety of topics this year so far in my Just Faith class through Saint Michael's Parish, learning about how to respond as practicing Christians and Catholics to church teaching on issues like: poverty, racism and now consumerism. It's interesting to reflect on consumerism around the Christmas season and it is definitely a place I see for improvement in my own life. The following was the opening prayer on Monday. It really touched me:

Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is, than falling in love in a quite absolute way.

What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will affect everything.

It will decide what gets you out of bed in the morning,
what you do with your evening, how you spend your weekends,
what you read, who you know,
what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with
joy and gratitude.

Fall in love,
Stay in love,
and it will decide everything.

-Pedro Arrupe

Wedding Pictures

Here is a link to the website with our rehearsal, engagement and wedding pictures on it: http://www.weddingprints.com/EventListing.aspx?P=1081 Enjoy!

Overdue Update

Well, I was hoping my next post would include wedding pictures, but alas, it is taking almost as long as me getting out thank you cards. The wedding was great- it was amazing to feel supported by so many people that we love and although there was a little culture clash at the reception (with the large, loud Mexican band and my quiet, contained or just very social american family not being accostomed to that) I think most were ultimately able to enjoy themselves. They did shut us down an hour early which was disappointing, but just as well, since it gave Juan Carlos and I a little extra time to enjoy our honeymoon suite ; ) We have been very happily married since. The first week or two were actually the most difficult for us in adjusting- since then, it has been much smoother. Getting used to living with someone new is always different- then the cultural piece just adds another layer of challenge and of "wonderfulness." I have been really impressed by Juan Carlos's patience and support and I feel like I know him 15 times better in this one month of living together than I did in 3 years of dating.

I have been working at Pierce college all quarter on international student admissions and activities, but I was recently offered a great opportunity to work 5 minutes from home at Saint Martin's University as their ESL Programs Manager, which I'm really excited about. The other staff members seem motivated, energetic and inspiring and I am excited to be around so much youthful energy and inspiration. Plus, I have missed teaching and this position will give me experience in program management, which I've been wanting, one on one student advising, which I also really want, and the opportunity to teach two classes each semester, which I'm really looking forward to. Plus, I'm still working in international education and it should work for my reflective practice phase so I can finish my capstone by July. I'm absolutely thrilled and i feel so blessed that God has given me this opportunity.

Juan Carlos is set on going to Mexico in December of 2008, so we are trying to save for that. He is looking for a job where he can make more money or looking to take on another job in the evenings. Please keep him and us in your prayers and we try to decide what the best move would be for him right now.

I am also involved in a group at church called JustFaith. We have been meeting every Monday since September and I've really been enjoying it. Today we went to CIELO, where I used to work to talk about the programs there and the immigrant community in the area. It is always interesting to hear the perspectives different people have on racism and whether it exists and why. To me, I believe so many people think racism is simply a matter of hating someone based on how they look. I would say it is hating what you think you know about someone based on how they look. Racism is just one kind of stereotyping that can lead to sickness in the world. Many people would agree that deep hate is based out of a deep fear. People fear others because of a perceived threat- crime, using tax money, exploiting the system, terrorism, wanting to take over, taking jobs from Americans, etc. It's justified in their heads, which is exactly what allows it to continue. I perceive my calling in addressing this issue to be education. I really believe in people- I believe we are inherently good and when there are bad policies or positions that are not in favor of humanity as a whole, I question the basis of those positions and I try to take a moment to educate. I believe that all people, with the appropriate information can make rational, fair and just decisions. I see how much it hurts my own husband to be treated differently simply because of where he's from, where he works, and who he is, even by members of my own family. Under Catholic social teaching, we are called to love all people, regardless of where they come from, what language they speak or what skills they have. Juan Carlos has brought more to my life than anyone else I have ever known and I have known plenty of educated, schooled people from all around the world. Educational background and job status may bring home a bigger salary but they don't make someone understanding, sympathetic, thoughtful, and intelligent about matters of survival. Sometimes I look at Juan Carlos and just think how incredibly smart he has to be to have been so successful in a country that is not his own, with a language that is not his own, when he came here at only 17 years old. He learned the public transportation system on his own, he learned to drive on his own, buy a car on his own, pay bills on his own, he washed his own clothes, made his own food, he learned all of the jobs he took with no previous experience. That's the man I married and that's the man I love. I wish everyone could see what I see but I understand that in this imperfect world, that won't be possible. Regardless, I stand by my decision and I thank God every day for sending me such an incredible partner in life.

Please keep us in your prayers as we need them desperately. I hope you are all well and I will try to write more frequently- meanwhile, look for Christmas cards...Happy Holidays!

Reflections in the midst of chaos

With less than two weeks to go before Juan Carlos and I commit our lives to each other, I have had enough emotional breakdowns lately to call me into a little bit of reflection tonight. Sometimes I think about when we thought of getting married in a small chapel with only our immediate families there and how much easier that would have been. I am feeling the burden of abundance in some ways with this wedding. It's so easy in planning an event this large to get caught up in how things are going to look and who is going to think what- how to please all people and cater to all cultures, how to keep it organized and loose, planned and spontaneous, how to make all the little pieces fit just so. With the best of intentions, I tell myself, I just want it all to work out. I just want everyone to be happy. But I remember in moments like these that happiness is not a seamless performance when everything goes just right. Happiness is when you realize how much people care about you because they step in when something starts to fall apart. It's the last minute trip to the store because you didn't get enough ice. It's your sisters convincing you that you're beautiful even when your hair looks like crap. It's a hug at the end of a hard day full of unmet expectations reminding you everything is going to be ok- that life goes on and so does love and, in the end, that's more important than the food and the punch and the decorations. In the end, that's really what happiness is all about.

It's so easy to forget but so important to remember that what makes me feel most fulfilled and joyful about the planning of this whole wedding is not the gorgeous dress or the great food or the personal touches here and there, but how loved I feel seeing all the effort loved ones have put in to make this happen. The real perfection lies not in having something "just so" but rather in the fact that I am so fortunate to be cared for enough to have any of it at all. In these final days of planning and preparation, I will try to focus more than anything on my gratitude for all the love in my life. After all, that's really what this sacrament is meant to help me and everyone else realize is that a committment to love through the unexpected, through the difficult is unsurpassable, for this kind of decision moves from that which is human to the divine.

Little by little

So, I just finished with my first week at my new job. It was a little overwhelming, but I have already learned a lot and I'm excited about that. Monday, I start a new program with church called JustFaith. It requires a lot of reading and a pretty big committment. We are going to be learning and talking about Catholic Social Teaching. From the readings so far, I think it will be challenging for me and help me grow a lot spiritually. I really want to make it a priority and keep up with it this coming year. In two weeks classes start again at CIELO and I am supposed to be writing lesson plans for that too until they can find a replacement. I really don't know how long I'll be able to handle it though. It will be about 15 hours on top of my already 40 hour a week job...we'll see. Otherwise, I'm trying to pull wedding plans together the best I can. Little by little we are getting invitations addressed and mailed out, decorations purchased and last minute services booked. It's going to be a pretty full day and night, so we'll have to be extra organized, but I'm really excited! I can't believe it's all finally coming together. My challenges right now are just letting things go when they don't go as planned, laughing off mistakes and unexpected issues and just trying to have a good time with all this. Everyone tells me it's such a memorable time in life, you just really have to appreciate each moment, so that's what I'm trying to do. Little by little. That has been the theme of my life lately. Once, when I was first going to study abroad, I started crying because I was so overwhelmed that I would be away for so long and my sister looked and me and said, little by little, Janelle. In this moment, you're not going away for 4 months. You're just getting your bags checked. Then, you just have to get on the plane, then you just have to get off. Her advice helped me to appreciate the whole experience so much more. I couldn't think of it all at once. I just had to take in and act in the present moment, as it came. Now, too, moment by moment, task by task, piece by piece life is changing, falling apart, coming together differently. I have today, right now-and that's all I really have to decide about, affect, and change. Little by little I'm learning to let go of what I most want to hold onto. I'm constantly reminded of what is really important- not colors and centerpieces but compassion and compromise.

So Blessed!

Well, this week has brought with it some more changes for Juan Carlos and me. I was offered a new job at Pierce College working as the International Program Coordinator, which will be great because it fits in perfectly with my degree, so I can use it for my practicum and finish my degree by May or July. Plus I get to do student advising, as well as learn about international student admissions and plan activities, so it should be a lot of fun. I just found out today I get my own big office too, with a window and a rocking chair, which is just really exciting all in itself!! I'm so happy. Plus, as if that weren't enough, Juan Carlos and I finally found a home we want to rent for the next year. It's beautiful, in a great location and it's cozy, yet spacious enough to entertain every once in awhile, which was important to us. I think we'll learn a lot about what's involved in having a home over the next year too, so we can be more educated when we are finally able to purchase one. I just feel overjoyed and so so blessed! At the beginning of this week, I was starting to get so stressed out about the job situation and where we were going to live. Juan Carlos and I prayed about it and the next day, everything started to magically fall into place. I wasn't expecting that at all. It's as if God just wanted to remind me that everything really will work out if we just trust him. What an exciting and amazing time in life- I just want to soak in every moment of it.

ENGAGED!

It finally happened. Juan Carlos took me for a long walk to a non-existent river on a very hot summer afternoon two days ago, promising a refreshing swim. After about an hour and a half of walking in our flip-flops carrying towels, he realized the last time he arrived at the river by this path was when he and some friends rode their bikes (which, needless to say would take them much farther in much less time) Ultimately, we decided to head back to the car and drive to the river, but we had a great talk along the way. We found a secret area by the river where we could be alone to go swimming. After we had both braved the freezing cold water for a few minutes, Juan Carlos got a surprised/concerned look on his face and looked behind him. There was what appeared to be a piece of plastic floating in the water behind him. I asked him if it was his because it wasn't mine and he was like, "oh yeah.." and put it back in his pocket. I thought it was strange but I was glad he didn't want to litter...

Then, he started saying a lot of really nice things and just telling me he loved me again and again, but it seemed like he wanted to say something else. After a little while longer, I started to get cold and suggested we go. He said, "Sure, but first I just want to say I love you with all my heart and will you marry me?" (and he pulled out the soggy cardboard wrapped box with the ring inside!! ) He tore apart the soggy cardboard and pried open the box, trying to be sure the ring didn't fall into the water. The ring was gorgeous and perfect and I said, "Yes, a thousand times yes! (in Spanish)" and we hugged and kissed. Then I asked him, "Was that what went floating down the river?" He said, "Yeah, I went to take it out of my pocket and it wasn't there. All I could think was now, where am I going to find it? I was so lucky it was just floating behind me." And we both got a good laugh out of it- a classic romantic comedy.

Now, I could not be happier. Juan Carlos has shown me throughout our time together, and especially recently that he really does take into consideration what's important to me, that he's willing to compromise, that he truly loves me and that I can trust him to take care of me. I feel so fortunate to be promised to such an incredible man. He is so handsome and smart- so responsible and generous- so patient and grounded. He respects me, my opinion and my desires, he supports me in all my various pursuits and passions, and he prioritizes my well-being and the health of our relationship.

I believe that more than anything, getting married is a committment and a choice to spend the rest of your life with someone, through the difficult times and through the joys, through whatever twists and turns life throws at you. You're choosing a partner- the person you want to wake up to every day, the person you want to serve, the one you want to raise children with and laugh with and cry with and face life with. Juan Carlos is so strong- he is a pillar for me in my life. He has been through so much in his own life that he understands human resilience. He knows what we can make it through. Where others might break down or give up, he fights. He understands the importance of relationships and of generosity and he constantly pushes me to live out my faith more sincerely by giving more freely. He values time with family and he looks so forward to being father himself. He loves children- he is playful and funny and I know we will always have plenty of laughter in our home!

I feel a little sad that most of my family still can't know him very well because of language barriers, but God-willing, we have a whole lifetime together for Juan Carlos and my family to get to know each other too. I am happy and hopeful about the future and I hope that those I love can try to see what I see in him and be happy for me too!

High Expectations

All my life, I seem to have struggled with expectations and disappointment. I have psyched myself out of thinking I got a part in a play or got a job I wanted, with the logic that if I believe I won't get it and I do, I will be happy but if I believe I will and I don't, I will only be disappointed. My sister once told me that optimists live longer and I responded, "maybe, but they are more disappointed when they die."

This has generally been my outlook on things and yet, in spite of all my conscious efforts to try to not have any expectations of other people and the world, I can't seem to let go of it. I see myself as being cynical, when my classmates would peg me for an idealist. Sometimes it would seem as if I set myself up for failure or for disappointment- after all, who could meet all those high expectations I seem to have of myself and others in my life?

Some people have told me I expect too much of people and that is why I am so consistently disappointed. But today, I've decided that the high expectations I hold could also be seen as having a particular faith in people and in what they're capable of. I have been thinking a lot about this cross-culturally with gender roles. I see many women in Juan Carlos's family putting up with what I consider to be unacceptable behavior from their male counterparts (coming home extremely late drunk, or not even bothering to come home all weekend, spending huge portions of their income and time drinking with friends without ever inviting their wives out, expecting the woman to work AND take care of cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. by herself, looking down on a woman going out anywhere if she has a child) And I just wonder what these women must think. So often, they put down other women who try to exert their independence by saying they're sluts or don't know how to behave with their husband, even at times justifying physical abuse. So, to accept this kind of lifestyle, what kinds of expectations must they have grown up with?

Sometimes, I've honestly wished that to not create waves, that to make things easier, I could bring myself to re-shape my expectations, to only hope for a husband who can support us financially and who doesn't hurt me, like so many women in the world. But I can't shake these high expectations that tell me I want so much more than that. I want to be someone's priority, not someone's caretaker. I want to be a partner, not a servant. I want mutual love and humor and affection and humility and service and joy to reign in my home. I think it is a mistake to believe that boys will be boys who grow into men that cheat and act selfishly. It is a mistake to believe that men and women of any background are not capable of rising to the occassion and putting in their part and even finding joy in it. The roles don't have to be exactly the same, but they should be equal- there is no excuse for taking advantage of someone else's love and service.

Maybe for some, I do have high expectations - being able to go out with my girlfriends for a drink, expecting my husband to put in his full 100% effort to contribute to our marriage and help in the house and work full time and have a good attitude about it ; ), of myself working in a job I love and of being a wife and a mother. I dream of and expect stability and security, adventure and the unknown. There are birds that are seemingly content to be caged in, but there are others who need to fly- my expectation is the latter. For myself and for my future spouse, I have high expectations, and regardless of whether they will occassionally lead to disappointment, I recognize that I and anyone I choose to be with are certainly capable of living a life to meet those expectations. I'll take the risk of disappointment over the certainty of unfulfillment, were I to lower them in any way.

Immigration

Immigration Raid in Shelton Apartments and nearby mobile home park at six in the morning last Thursday. Coincidentally, (??) the raid followed a visit by the Washington State Human Rights Commission where a Latino man spoke of the abuse of the manager at some local apartments (getting drunk, entering tenants homes, throwing their things around the house and actually beating tenants up) Most of the tenants worked in harvesting salal (sometimes better known as brush) and the harvesting season came to an end a couple of weeks ago. Although ICE officials claim there was no connection, it's hard to be sure. At least 17 people were taken from their families and detained.

Today I read an editorial saying that the answer to our immigration problems is to make immigrants serve in the military for 4 years and learn English before allowing them to have legal status. According to the writer, "This would be only for those who cannot legally immigrate here." I cannot even begin to express how much this argument and this mentality disappoints me. Making people desperate for an opportunity at a better life in this country risk their lives and die in the unjust wars this country fights? That sounds like another chance for sheer exploitation in the name of "national interests."

I was telling my mom last night, "I just wish people could realize how important immigrants are to this country." She said, "Or at least how human- that would be a start." Exactly. I fall into all the ridiculous arguments for justifying immigration in this country as much as our politicians do or anyone else. Once again we are trying to validate and rank the value of human life. "Since immigrants take jobs no one else wants, they should be able to come here. Since immigrants work longer hours for less pay, they should be able to come here. Since immigrants contribute to the economy, they should be able to come here." Nevermind that immigrants are PEOPLE and based on only that fact and our faith that God will provide through our choice to SHARE the abundance we were FORTUNATE enough to be born into in this country, immigrants should be allowed to come here. People do not deserve opportunities or LIFE more just because they are more productive. This is the faulty logic of our world and our society. What did we do to be born in the United States? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!! Maybe our parents immigrated here or our grandparents and maybe they suffered terribly because of their "newcomer" status or maybe they didn't. Maybe our families have had the fortune to be here nearly since the country was founded. Ok, but to say that our wealth in this country has been created independently of everyone else in the world and therefore we are entitled to it and anyone born outside our borders has to "earn" access or even to say that we as individuals living in 2007 did much of anything to have the opportunities that are available to those residing legally in this country is completely unfounded. Immigrants did nothing more or less to be born into a corrupt, poverty ridden situation than I did to be born into a hardworking and ultimately well-off middle class family in the United States. It just happened. Now, it's about what I do with it. I can feel threatened that immigrants will come and take my job or pull down wages or use all my taxes on their medical bills or I can look and say, "How blessed I am to have these opportunities- what can I do to share those with other people? How can I help others to get as much education as I've had so they can contribute to the field that I've studied or others have studied? How can I share what I've learned and learn from them so all our lives can be enhanced?" When will we start to see people as assets rather than threats to our own security and well-being?

Yes, there are people who make bad choices- always have been and always will be and regardless of immigration laws, they will reside in our country and in countries all around the world ALWAYS. They need to see love more than anyone. As for the majority, we all want to make what we can of our lives. We want to provide for our families, feel proud of our work, spend time with loved ones. I'm sick of political games and compromises that take out the heart of the human experience. Who cares if it is amnesty? What does one immigrant's opportunity take away from YOU? You have had opportunities and you continue to have opportunities. Their only "crime" is seeking a better life. Now, if they rob or hurt someone once they are inside the country, they should go through the court system and serve their sentence just like everyone else. But risking your life just for an OPPORTUNITY- a CHANCE at a better life- how is that a crime? How is that something that deserves a sentence? That is just human- it is what any of us would do if our families were hungry and we were barely making it day to day. Having to leave your family and country and all that you love that is familiar to you seems like plenty serious a sentence to me either way, regardless of whether we see it as a crime or not.

I know I can never convince our politicians on this- I will never be able to help them see the importance of valuing all human life, regardless of where people are born, what they look like or what language they speak. I probably can't even convince most Americans. But this really is the heart of the issue. It's about people. It's about Juan Carlos and me being able to safely visit his family in Nayarit and safely return because we are two people who love each other and who want the opportunity to live in the United States (near my family and his brothers) and yet maintain the connection to his homeland. How does us having that ability, which would make a world of difference for us, really threaten anyone else?

It doesn't. Yet, people are so obsessed with laws and rules and our system of punishment to see that sometimes the rules don't make sense and sometimes the system is flawed. They forget the days when there were laws that people with black colored skin could not enter a restroom labeled "white only." They forget the days when detainment, persecution and mass murdering of Jews in the Holocaust was essentially the "rule." How many times do we have to go blind and stop seeing PEOPLE as PEOPLE for us to finally understand there are rules above the law. There are things more important than the SYSTEM and places more desirable to be than the UNITED STATES.

You see, God created the world, not countries. God created people in all their wonderful diversity, but he didn't create a color library to distinguish them from one another. God said LOVE ONE ANOTHER, not "make sure you have national security and maintain your economic advantage at all times." LOVE DOES NOT ENVY (they will take our jobs) IT IS NOT POMPOUS (they have to learn English because that is our language), IT DOES NOT SEEK ITS OWN INTERESTS ( we need national security for our country, they will spend my tax dollars) Love never fails. If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing; if tongues, they will cease; if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing. For we know partially and we prophesy partially but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away... So faith, hope and love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love. 1 Cor 13: 4-10

I await the day when LOVE really IS the law we all abide by- when we care more about what is RIGHT than what is LEGAL, when we understand all human life as deserving of food, water, shelter, clothing, love, health care, due process, freedom, a voice and economic opportunity.

There was another community meeting on legal rights in Shelton. Three out of an expected 75 people showed up. Everyone is scared. Not just the immigrants, but those that called ICE in, those that call our representatives with hateful messages about immigrants every day, those that "hunt" immigrants in the Arizona deserts. My question is "what are we scared of?"

I don't believe that hate is the opposite of love- I believe that FEAR is the opposite of love and it is really fear that breeds hate. It is fear that stops us from doing what we should- fear that if we give too much, we'll lose our own security. Fear that if we let too many in, there won't be enough for us anymore. Fear that if we love too deeply or too naively, we will be the ones that get hurt in the end. So we put up our walls and our fences and shut off our hearts and refuse to live fully, because we are just too scared. Read the warm fuzzy story. Read the Bible. Over and over again- Do not be afraid. Warm fuzzies don't run out. Generosity will not leave us destitute and love never fails. What is it about fear that we cling to?

My new prayer is that God take away my fear so I can love more fully. Fear touches me too. Fear that I could go to jail for protecting undocumented immigrants, fear that people I know will reject the work I do, fear that I won't be understood or appreciated, fear that those I want to help or love will betray me by making decisions I don't agree with, but I can't let those fears stop me from doing what I know is right. Throughout human history, great people have gone to jail for doing the right thing. Regardless of what happens, or what I have to suffer, I know God won't leave me. I know that my life will always be better for having risked my own safety and well- being on a chance to love. May God bless the people of this country, the immigrants who come to make their lives here and people living in fear all around the world. That the real threats to their lives and well-being may dissolve and that the perceived threats be recognized and conquered through making a decision to love instead.

Coming Home...

"The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time." - Abraham Lincoln

Well, I have closed another chapter of my life and I am coming away with a deep sense of satisfaction. That crazy school I complained about most of last year will always have a very special place in my heart. I think it has really helped to form my thinking about so many things in this world and will continue to have an impact on how I choose to live my life. I am so grateful for having had the opportunity and for having taken the opportunity to go and learn so much in such a short nine months.

Coming home so far has been amazing. Both my parents came to pick me up at the airport and after a fairly stressful day, it was so nice to see them. We had a good talk and they impressed me with a lot of what they said about immigration, spirituality, and family. It's amazing how much more reasonable your parents seem when you aren't 16 years old. My sister was great about returning all the clothes she had borrowed out of my closet while I was away and we even got to lay out in the sun for a little while... Juan Carlos and I had a great afternoon together sitting outside with his family drinking Corona and eating Ceviche. It was a wonderful way to open up this new chapter, full of familiarity and yet so much still unknown...

This summer, I'm planning to teach several English classes (hopefully a total of 18 credits) and I'm going to work with CIELO as much as I can as well. I think I can work with them pretty consistently through June and then we'll find out about the funding and how my position might change... I'm excited about it. Even though I would ideally like to be doing student advising, doing curriculum design and teaching again will be good. I get to be creative and I still get to interact with students regularly and everything. I'm hoping that working at CIELO will help me to meet several people in the local community too and maybe create connections and inspire future endeavors. Meanwhile, I am continuing to apply for full time work in higher ed, as an international student/study abroad advisor. We'll see what comes up...

Cycles of Love

"As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Now remain in my love...My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." John 15:9-12

I have learned often about how cycles of violence and hatred perpetuate themselves, how children who are abused often end up abusing others or how children witnessing violent or destructive behavior often end up behaving in violent or destructive ways. It never ceases to amaze me the impact that parents can have on their children. Of course, there are always cases of children who break the cycle but the odds are so stacked against them, even early on, that the cycle has a great tendency to continue.

A cycle less talked about but equally powerful, I believe, is that of love. When I think of how much compassion has been awakened in me through my life, I immediately think of my mother and the example she has set for me. When I think of my desire to help others or work on behalf of others, or when I recognize myself loving people just for who they are- not because of what language they speak or how they look or what they're capable of doing, my mother always comes to mind.

If a car is parked on the side of the freeway, my mom is the kind of person who stops and gets out to help and make sure everything is ok, while a hundred other cars drive by. She's the kind of person who volunteers to do everything from accounting to uniform sorting to support those she loves and help organizations continue work she believes in. She is a second mother to youth that don't find the support or discipline they seek at home. All through high school and college my friends and my sisters' friends have come to my mom for guidance, advice, support, or a good conversation. She's incredibly approachable and people tend to her trust her and be able to joke with her right away (even when they don't speak English). She is joy-filled and inspirational. She believes in people and the goodness of people and it's something striking to be around.

I can feel my mother's love for me and for all those in her life and I know that her influence has made me a more loving person. I guess that's what makes me believe so strongly in this cycle of love. When you are filled up with love, you can so much more easily share that love with other people, filling them. I was thinking in mass today that my mom probably learned a lot about how to love from my grandma and she from her mother. Since love is not always about what feels good, but about making certain choices and commitments, it's something that most people need an example in. I'm lucky I haven't had to go any further than my own home.

On this Mother's Day, I just want to thank my mother and my grandmother and my great grandmother up in heaven for choosing love and for perpetuating a cycle of love in their families. God knows we can all certainly use more love in this world. Thank you for leading me closer to grace.

Little Lessons

After feeling pretty overwhelmed with the future and putting a negative spin on a lot of things last week, I did some thinking and realized that even if I don't work as much or make as much money as I hope to, it will be great just to enjoy another summer at home, with my family. Time in and of itself can be a precious gift and that may be exactly what God wants to give me at this point in my life. If I can have patience, other things like homes and papers and vacations will come in time. I don't have to "arrive" quite yet. I can take my time getting to where I want to be eventually and I might even discover an alternative path I hadn't considered before along the way.

I feel a lot more positive about the future now. Not a lot has changed in my actual circumstance, but I just feel less anxious. I'm excited to go home in June and learn everything I can about non-profits and creating ESL curriculum for a month at CIELO, until we know more about what will happen with the funding. Letting go of the pressure to have my 6 month practicum set in stone before I leave has taken a huge weight off my shoulders. Meanwhile, I will continue to look for something long-term and just trust that the right thing will come up at the right time.

It's funny how as soon as I decided not to worry about it, things all of a sudden started to fall into place. Sometimes, I can just hear God saying, "I told you so (again)." I feel like I have to learn the same little lessons over and over and over again. Why is it so difficult to just trust and have faith? My father has said before that the difference between people who have faith and those who don't are that those who have faith don't need to worry nearly as much. How I long for faith to be the guiding light in my life and yet, how difficult it is to let go...

Since I'm on a little bit of a Gandhi kick this week anyway, I leave you with these quotes:

There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever. --Mahatama Gandhi

Faith is not something to grasp, it is a state to grow into. -- Mahatama Gandhi

And a couple others I liked:

You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith. --Mary Manin Morrissey

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be. -- Douglas Adams

Prayers

Please keep Juan Carlos and I in your prayers. Los Pinos of Lacey (the restaurant where Juan Carlos works) was sold today, and we still don't know what will happen with his job. I have applied to several jobs at Seattle University and Central Washington University and I'm planning to apply for a couple jobs at Pierce College, but the future is uncertain and it's difficult for us right now. I know that in these times more than anything I need to cling to faith and trust in God- again, that's easier said than done. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement.

Gandhi Said

"Be the change you wish to see in the world" - Mahatma Gandhi

Before I forget, I wanted to post a story that came up in my conflict transformation class last week. We were talking about non-violent conflict intervention and Gandhi's movement in India. Our teacher told us this story:

During Gandhi's days of leadership in India, there was a woman who had a five year old son, who was diabetic. Try as she would, she could not convince him to stop eating sweets. She tried scolding, pleading, punishing, rewarding and nothing worked. So, she took him to Gandhi. Gandhi spent 30 seconds talking to the boy. He told the mother to bring her son back in two weeks. She returned in two weeks crying because finally the little boy had completely given up eating sweets. She wanted to know what Gandhi could have possibly said to her son to convince him to give up sweets. He said that all he did was say, "I am going to give up sweets- will you join me?"

Our teacher then went on to tell us about a time he had used this method in his own family to try to get his uncle to stop smoking. He invited everyone in the family to give up something to affirm the life of his uncle. Some of his relatives gave up smoking themselves and invited him to join them. My teacher's nephew was very bullied in school, which is a widespread problem in Japan, often leading to suicides. His nephew was bullied so much that he was on the verge of suicide himself. When invited to participate in this life affirming process, his nephew told his grandfather, "If you stop smoking, I will keep going to school and never give up." Our teacher told us that although his uncle did not give up smoking, many other lives were saved and protected in the process of extending this invitation to affirm life.

These stories for me speak to the importance of inviting others and engaging with others. What strikes me most about Gandhi's work was that he didn't tell the Indian people what they should do. He led by example and invited others to join him. You get the feeling watching documentaries on him that he would have done the salt march alone if he had to, but invitations compel people toward action on a much deeper level than commands do. Next time I want someone in my life to change their behavior in some way, I will attempt to influence them through an invitation which engages and affirms, rather than by complaining, scolding, or begging, which tends to distance others. I think this really speaks to the attitude of us together rather than that of you and me as separate and independent beings. Like the metaphor of the body, if the finger is hurt or infected, you don't just ignore it, because ultimately it will affect the rest of the body or you will lose the use of this important body part. We should pay most attention to those parts of the body that are most needy, if we truly want to live as one body in Christ, as we claim to.

Where I'm At

I am in a strange place right now, where I feel both excitement and anxiety about closing this chapter of my life and entering a new one. It's fascinating to me all the different paths the different people in my life choose to take. At this age, everyone is doing something different, from traveling all over the world to entering the Peace Corps to settling down. Having always had the tendency to compare myself to others, I find myself with mixed feelings about what I feel I should do, what I want to do and where I'm going. I am learning to find security in places unbeknownst to the world. I am trying to find happiness in loving the people in my life and having that be enough for now, knowing that jobs and houses and reservations and marriage plans, and everything else, will all ultimately fall into place.

I found out recently that the job I accepted at CIELO is undergoing some funding changes. Because of anticipated expenses this fall, as well as the loans I need to start paying off, I feel the need to find consistent work. At the same time, I don't want to abandon a community I care about and work my heart calls me to. I felt before like I had so many leads- now I feel I've been put back at square one, wondering where I'll work next, where I'll live, who my friends will be, where I'll find support. I can't know it right now. I can't know any of it. And I hate that part. I'm going home in a couple of weeks, with seemingly nothing to show for my efforts at grad school and hours of job searching. Part of me wants to cry and then another part of me stops it and says I just need to have faith- that sometimes it's not about who you will be when you grow up, but who you are right now. Maybe it's not about tomorrow or the next day or where I'll live or what I'll do in October, but about what I'm doing today, right now.

Right now, all I know is that I'm in love. I'm in love with Juan Carlos and I want to spend my life with him, whatever that means. I'm in love with my family and grateful for their constant love and support, for their reminders that things will be ok. And I'm in love with God and His teaching and His people and His creation. I am so grateful for the gift of life- in all its disappointments and all its surprises that await me. My intention for the rest of my time here is just to be present- to stop thinking so much about tomorrow and the day after that... to stop planning details that will inevitably change and just to find comfort and joy in the connections I make with people, in the conversations, in trying to see and understand others for who they are. It's those moments in life in which we are really truly present that we can learn the most about ourselves and where we really want our lives to take us...

Small Injustices

It never ceases to amaze me how much I am a product of my own worldview. Today, I got a phone call from my undergraduate university saying that some administrative tasks fell through so that even though I completed all the work for my TESOL certificate, I was never registered for the last class and therefore never paid, never got credit and was never officially awarded the certificate. What this appears to amount to is an extra bill left over from my undergraduate education. And, thinking about it, it just made me so upset. It was frustrating just to think that I don't even have the money in my bank account to pay an extra thousand dollars for some left over credit mix up. Sometimes, what I perceive as being unjust costs just send me over the edge. Whether it's a cell phone bill, a misprocessed health insurance claim, a parking ticket in DC, or credits I never officially registered for, it just overwhelms me. It's almost like if these small things in life can't go smoothly, what can?

I'm not a fighter. I've never considered myself a fighter. I have always kind of imagined that faced with a significant survival task where only a few people live, I would not be one of those left when it's all said and done. I don't know why. It's just a feeling I have about myself. I have more of a martyr in me. I like to treat others fairly and I like to be treated fairly and, when it comes to this nation of laws and rules and subtext that I don't happen to get the memo on, I just feel like I get screwed over more often than not.

At the same time, I have to realize what a privilege it is to be fretting about school loans, rather than what I'm going to eat tomorrow. How blessed I am to be able to go out for an ice cream sundae with a girlfriend, go shopping whenever I want, wherever I want, worship according to my faith every Sunday... Yes, we all experience what feel like small "injustices" in our lives. Even when we look around and think no one else has to deal with this crap, everyone has their battles.... As overwhelming as life is to me sometimes with all its subtext that I don't read for one reason or another, my battles don't even begin to test the resilience of the human spirit and what we, as human beings, are really capable of...

I asked Juan Carlos tonight if we could just escape to Mexico and get away from it all and he said, "oh Janelle, I know this beautiful country is frustrating with all its rules and laws and paperwork, but well, that's just how it is. We're young. We have to be strong and just keep going through life." I feel so emotional right now anyway and hearing him say that just made me want to cry. All that he's been through, all the reasons he could hate this country and, through it all, he can recognize our privilege in being here and say "this beautiful country." I haven't heard that about the United States in such a long time. It was so needed- to be satisfied for even just a moment with where I am.

Then I talked to my mom and she reminded me everything would be ok. "We'll do what we have to do." And she shared the new saying she has hanging on her mirror, "Those who anger you control you." As an exercise in gratitude, I am thankful for the phone calls about unpaid undergraduate credits because they remind me how lucky I have been to go to college, to learn all the things I did, to study in other countries and experience all I have. I am thankful for the phone calls that lead me to rely on support from those who love me because it is only in these vulnerable moments, when I don't feel strong, when I need, that I can understand how critical other people are to me in my life and why God gave us one another.

Doing My Part

I just got back from watching the last half of "The Corporation" and having a two hour long discussion about it. There have been so many discussions on campus this year about capitalism and power and privilege and democracy and how all these things fit together in society. I wish I had the stamina of some of my classmates to read more and delve into these issues more deeply.

Being Catholic, the concept that material wealth isn't the point of life and that we need to live in love of one another and in community isn't a foreign one. I've grown up hearing all my life how we need to live in the world and yet not be of the world. I wonder how many Americans would really say their values lie in being consumers or being materialist. And, at the same time, where do my actions line up with my values? We talked tonight a little bit about fake wants- all the things we're told we want but don't actually desire. I think these really haunt me. I find myself "wanting" things all the time that might make me happy for a moment or a day or a week but that I know won't give me true peace when it's all said and done.

Yet, I really really desire things of this world. I want to have money to take vacations with my family and go out for a coffee with my girlfriends, and have a nice, comfortable home and maybe even get Juan Carlos that nice truck he's always dreamed of having. Is that selfish? Sometimes, I find it so difficult to be a conscientious person in this world- always thinking about whether to buy and what to buy and who it's affecting and how to live responsibly, when, at the end of the day, I just want to be able to go to a job I enjoy and come home to people I love and who love me, who I can laugh with and cry with and navigate through life with. All I want is security and love. But is this falling into the American trap of apathy? What about everyone else in this country and all over the world who only want security and love for themselves and their families too? When my security is built on the instability of their country or the exploitation of them for their labor, what do I do?

I talked tonight about sacrifices- about how real change can only come about when people are ready to give some things up for something else that's better. When we can give up drinking beverages like Coke (that kill union leaders, privatize water, and cause entire populations to be dependent on their beverage in spite of its incredibly negative impact on human health) to force Coke to change or to go out of business because of their actions, then we can start to have a real impact. However, when it comes down to it, most people like Coke. They appreciate the freedom to buy it and drink it when they want and they don't want to give that up. It doesn't necessarily occur to them that others don't have the choice to drink pure water, or if it does, it's irrelevant. Ultimately, they want to drink Coke and they will, regardless of the connections we can draw for them.

I realize that people having choices is God's intention for humanity. We have free will so that we can find true freedom in making choices that lead us closer to God, closer to Truth, to Life, to Peace, and to who we are really intended to be. But all this free will sure makes it difficult to go against the tide if that's what I think I have to do to live as God wants. And, sometimes, it makes it hard to know what God even does really want. I don't really know if He wants me to try to save money to buy a home so I can use it to host others and save resources for later on or to live in a tent city in solidarity with the homeless. My conclusion for tonight is that people are called to different walks of life and whatever you do you need to be at peace doing it, because, if you're not, you'll never do it effectively. I really think the best difference I can make right now is in contributing to creating community around me, talking to others, learning from others and showing others how we can all be more active in creating the kind of world we want to live in. I need to work from where I am- in my own backyard, in the social circles I'm with. I know my calling could change, but I really think, that for now, this is where I can have the biggest impact. I leave you with a couple thoughts from one of my favorite leaders and role models, Mother Teresa of Calcutta.

"Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person. "

"I want you to be concerned about your next door neighbor. Do you know your next door neighbor?"

"Love begins by taking care of the closest ones - the ones at home."

Vulnerability and Seeking Peace

The more I read in the news about different situations overseas and now this tragedy with Virginia Tech right in our backyard, I really feel the need to pause for a moment and just take in what a gift life really is. In spite of endless rainy weather, stressful group work, pointless assignments or any other reasons I would rather just stay curled up in bed and sleep through the day, I am really reminded of what a gift it is to have today- to be able to breathe and move and think and act freely. I can't find the original email I read, but I leave you with this reflection since it has the same idea.

To be Thankful For......
.....the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends.....the taxes I pay because it means that I'm employed.....the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.....a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home.....all the complaining I hear about our government because it means we have freedom of speech......the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking.....my huge heating bill because it means I am warm......the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear.....the piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear......weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been able to have an active day.....the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I'm alive...

Trying Tofu

I know it must seem like I am losing my source of profound things to talk about if I am now going to tell you about how I tried Tofu for the first time tonight, but just stick with me here. Recently, since being diagnosed with hypothyroidism, I have been trying to be more concientious about what I eat and what I do with my body. Though I have to say that there are times when I haven't done such a great job, I have pretty much given up coffee and I am trying to do regular exercise and eat more vegetables. It is incredible to me how these very small things, starting with not drinking as much coffee, have helped me to completely change my own image of myself.

I have started to think of myself as a healthy person for the first time since I stopped playing soccer in high school. And deciding to try one little thing at a time has made it fairly manageable. But the thing is that I had to try things that I thought I wouldn't like to find out that I actually did. Yoga, for example, was always an exercise I had a very strange image of. I thought you had to balance a lot and twist your body in crazy ways. I never thought I would be able to do it, much less like it. Come to find out it is challenging, strength building, and yet very relaxing at the same time. Now, I actually desire to stretch my body after sitting for long periods of time. Kickboxing is still a big stretch for me but I'm proud of myself just for going and trying. I can't always keep up, I'm not coordinated enough to do all the kicks and different moves, but still, I feel proud of myself just for doing something active with my body. And the exercise makes me want to take care of myself with what I eat too.

So, today, after doing Yoga, an exercise I never thought I would enjoy, I tried Tofu for the first time, a food I never thought I would enjoy and low and behold, it actually isn't too bad. I just discovered a new great source of protein to add to my diet. Ever since studying abroad, I learn over and over the ways that trying things I never did before can change my whole perspective on the world, or, in this case, on myself. And I also strive to remember the importance of taking care of myself in this life and being the kind of person I really want to be, even if it takes a little more effort. My mom used to have this quote hanging up on the fridge from a popular song:

"This is your life. Are you who you want to be?"

It helps to reflect on that every once in awhile and remember that it's never too late to change and become more of who we really are...